Chi
by Shirohane
Summary: Blood upon hands can be washed off. Blood within sharingan can be gouged out. But what of blood within one's veins? Gaara x Naruto.
1. Ruby

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Disclaimer: The animation and graphic novel Naruto belongs to Kishimoto Masashi. My name is not Kishimoto Masashi. Thus, Naruto does not belong to me. This is a fan fiction, written for non-profit fan purposes. 

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Note: 'Chi' means 'blood'. Naruto-tachi are 21-years-old in this fan fiction. 

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Warning: Mature themes. Foul language, sexual innuendo, character death, gore, and incest. Basically salt, herb, and everything nasty. Please avoid reading this fan fiction if you are not mature enough to handle such subjects.

* * * * *

Ruby: Freedom of care, chastity, glory, blood.

* * * * *

Warm, fluffy, and soft. The bed was still warm from body heat, and the air felt cool and refreshing against exposed skin. Some birds were chirping and going on about their little business outside. There was delicious scent of breakfast lingering in the morning air, mingled with gentle sunlight that shone through the curtains. There was only one thing missing from this early morning bliss, and that was--

"Naruto, wake up."

--Sasuke bitching. I ignored him and snuggled more deeply into the cocoon of blanket I had made overnight until only few strands of my hair were sticking out from the blanket. The problem was, usually alarm clock will shut up after you shut it off and ignore it, but Sasuke won't. Sasuke will just keep making sounds until I get up, wash up, and greet the world with a sunny morning smile and an enthusiasm for a brand new day. ...well, at least the getting up part. 

"Sasuriiiin," I whined, trying to sound as pitiful as possible. Both he and I knew that it would not work, but can't blame a guy for trying, right? "Five minutes. Three!"

"No. Now," Sasuke chided. I swear, he takes the definition of the word 'uptight' into whole new level. He's like a father and mother and an older brother I never had, all combined into one. I took in a big breath to start whining some more and try to make him feel sorry for me, but he pulled my precious blankets away from me and picked me up, away from the wonderful warmth of the bed. I immediately clung to him like a koala, because shit, it was _cold_ without a blanket.

"Sasurin, you're so mean to me," I muttered against his neck. Sasuke wrapped his arms around me, and I pulled away from him slightly to look at him. As I expected, he was smirking. Bastard. But, you know, if such a handsome guy smirks at you, it isn't so bad. I didn't even get an urge to punch him, because why ruin the perfection? Not that I'll ever tell him something like that. I think he gets plenty of self-esteem from his mob of screaming girl fans. Yeah, he still has them. 

He kissed my forehead. "Naruto, you're too old to throw a tantrum every morning when you have to wake up."

"I wasn't throwing a tantrum!" I protested, but he shut me up by giving me a morning kiss. Maybe it's because he's the only person who ever kissed me, but Sasuke's kisses are the best thing that came into my life since discovery of instant cup noodles. They always manage to shut me up, even more effectively than a bowl of instant noodles. And knowing me, that's saying something. 

I felt his lips carefully layering over mine, and his hand tightened around my body. He's always so gentle, so considerate, and sometimes I want to bash him on the head and tell him I'm not fucking made out of glass. But most of the time I appreciate him regarding me so preciously, because no one else ever did. He lightly ran tip of his tongue against my lower lip, then pulled away and smiled at me. I opened my mouth to ask him why the hell he stopped, but he kissed me again, with more force this time. He forced his tongue into my mouth, and I tried to push his tongue back out. Not that I didn't like him deep kissing me or anything, but I still fought back. I didn't want to be dominated. But Sasuke was insistent, and I gave up and let him explore my mouth. 

After Sasuke was satisfied, he pulled away from my lips and we collapsed into the bed, Sasuke nipping and kissing along my jaw line to my neck. I whimpered and squirmed, hating how Sasuke can so easily dominate me, but loving every touch that he gave me. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and spread my legs wider so that Sasuke can settle more comfortably on top of my body. Sasuke's hands snaked beneath my shirt, and he ran his fingers against my skin fluidly until he reached my nipples.

"Sasurin..." I gasped out when Sasuke started to tease my nipples to hardness. He just gave me this irritating smirk, then his hands went lower to touch my ass. His lips layered over mine again, and he grinded against me as he groped at my behind. He pulled away from the kiss, gave me another light kiss on the nose, and then...

He pulled away from me.

"Sasurin!" I complained, panting out the words. Sasuke was also panting, his cheeks flushed bright pink. He placed his hand against my cheek. 

"Not yet," he softly said, smiling ruefully. "You're not ready yet."

"Sasurin, I'm fucking twenty one, I live with my boyfriend, and I'm still a virgin!" I whined, clinging to his body. My normal morning hardness was amplified by what he just did to me, and I felt my cock throbbing. I was very unhappy. And horny. Why, oh why did Sasuke never have sex me?! "I'm done growing! No matter how much longer you wait, I'm not going to grow any more than this, okay?"

Sasuke lightly sighed. "It's... it's not your body, Naruto. You're just not ready to move on to the next stage yet. I can not have you until you're ready for me."

I scowled. I hated it when he talked in riddles. "Don't you mean _you're_ not ready? I can't be more ready than I am right now! And it's not like you're going to knock me up or anything, so I don't see what the big deal is!"

"Naruto, it's not about your possibility to be pregnant, nor is it about how aroused you may be by my presence. You..." Sasuke hesitated, then gave me another kiss on the lips. "Well, as soon as you're ready, I'll tell you. But you're definitely not ready for me right now. I know you have feelings for me, and I love you with every cell of my being. But for us to make love, you need to feel the same way I do."

"But I do! I don't know what you're talking about!" I said, frustrated. It wasn't like Sasuke was waiting for our wedding night or anything, because homosexual marriages are forbidden and we decided to just live together after exchanging rings. And it definitely wasn't because he didn't like me, because he was also aroused whenever we made out. I just didn't get what the problem was. But apparently Sasuke saw non-existent problems, so I had to remain a virgin until he figured out how to solve that problem. Argh. 

"You'll figure it out when you grow up a little more," Sasuke patiently said. Never mind that we're of the same age. From the way he talks, you'll think the guy is at least a few decades older than me. Sasuke picked me up again and gave me an apologetic kiss on the cheek. "Let's get you washed up."

I sighed and let him carry me to the bathroom. I figured eventually he'll give up his silly notion of me having a problem and screw me. And I prayed like hell that it'll be soon, because it'll be embarrassing if I still remain a virgin while my friends all get like two kids, when I was the first one to find a lover.

* * * * *

"I'll come home right after meeting with Kakashi-sensei and finishing that mission I was talking about," Sasuke said. I nodded, still sulking a little that Sasuke didn't have me this morning. "Should I get you anything on the way home?"

I shook my head, then tilted my head upwards and closed my eyes. Sasuke obediently gave me a kiss, then rumpled up my hair. "I'm leaving, then."

"Have a safe trip," I said. I wished I could leave with Sasuke, but I still had few hours before I had mission of my own. Whatever Kakashi-sensei wanted to discuss with Sasuke was only for him, so I couldn't tag along. So I waved at Sasuke as he left, then closed the door and leaned against it. 

It has been about three years that we lived together. Recently, we announced our relationship to our friends, then exchanged rings. Some were grossed out, others were enthusiastic, but everyone accepted us and were happy for us. Even though Sasuke is a stoic person in public, when we're alone he often hugs and kisses me. But I still don't understand why he refuses to deepen our relationship. Maybe he's afraid that if we went any deeper, our relationship will break and he'll get hurt. I totally understand that, but I'm okay with getting hurt if it's for Sasuke. Surely Sasuke feels the same way for me? Isn't that true love?

I let out a frustrated groan and clutched my head with my hands. "Argh! I don't know, I don't care! Stupid Sasuke, why does he say I don't feel the same way towards him as he does?!"

There was a knock on the door. Thinking Sasuke left something behind-- stupid me, perfect Sasuke would never leave anything behind-- I opened the door without bothering to figure out who stood at the other end. But when I saw someone that was definitely not Sasuke, I stood there like an idiot and did an imitation of fish.

"Gaara?"

"Naruto," Gaara acknowledged. I tilted my head to one side.

"Um. I thought you were away to study different _ninjutsu _for few years."

"I recently returned," Gaara said, nodding. Wow. Gaara looked so much... older. He had grown pretty tall. I wasn't sure if he was taller than Sasuke, but his skin was tanned and rough, unlike Sasuke's pale skin. Both his hair and eye color darkened, and I was relieved to see that his eyes had softened. They didn't have that steely edge to them anymore. In the five years I didn't see him, he had changed quite a lot.

"Well, go ahead and come in! It's great to see you!" I said, grinning widely. Gaara hesitated, then he gave me a weary smile and entered my apartment. My apartment was spotlessly clean, courtesy of Sasuke, minus my pajamas that I had scattered all around the bed. "Would you like to drink something? Food?"

"Coffee, please," Gaara said. I gestured to the sofa, and Gaara sat down while I set the kettle to boil. I couldn't cook, but I could boil water very, very well. I was the master of boiling water. Years of cooking ramen had perfect my skills of boiling and measuring just the right amount of water for basically anything. 

"So what are you doing here, Gaara? You came this early in the morning just to see me? You should have called me first; we could have had a reunion party with all our friends or something!" I cheerfully said. 

"You mean your friends," Gaara replied. He sounded mildly amused, but I also sensed bitterness layered beneath his tone. "You are the only friend that I have."

"Oh, don't be dumb. You're a great guy!" I said. I poured out the water and mixed it with instant coffee powder, watching the dark brown powder rapidly dissolve. I brought the tray of coffee and cookies to the table in front of the sofa. I took my own cup and started to add milk and sugar to it. Gaara apparently drank his coffee black, because he didn't spare a glance to the milk and sugar.

Gaara took sip of his coffee and just smiled slightly. "I missed you."

I was thrown off slightly by that stray remark, so I just smiled and nodded. "I missed you, too. How was the training? Did you learn lots of new things?"

"Yes. I came to realize the most important thing, actually," Gaara said. He gave me a piercing look. "I learned of my true feelings, of my heart."

"...huh?" I intelligently asked him. I briefly wondered if Gaara was going to tell me he was going to get married and wanted me to come or something, because this conversation was going in a strange direction. I was talking about _jutsu_, not feelings!

Gaara took a deep breath, then looked directly into my eyes. "I like you."

I stared at him. And then I stared at him some more. And then I laughed like an idiot and said, "Well, of course! I like you, too! You're one of my best friends--"

"You know that is not how I meant it."

I felt the stupid grin immediately falling off my face. I gave him a nervous grin instead, the effort to smile straining my muscles. "...well. Gaara. We've been friends for a long time, and, um. I never... That is, you and I... Well. I'm living with Sasuke right now."

"Uchiha," Gaara bitterly said. "That is why I hurried back and came to see you. I heard rumors."

"It's not a rumor," I protested. "Sasuke is the most important person to me, and I want to have family with him. We're going to adopt children when we're ready to be parents."

Gaara shook his head. "Naruto... You don't like him that way. You don't feel towards him the same that he feels towards you."

This royally pissed me off, because that was the crap that Sasuke spewed out at me just few minutes ago when he refused to take my virginity. So I leap up from the sofa and yelled, "What the hell are you talking about?! I love him, just as he does for me! What do you know about me and my feelings towards Sasuke?!"

Gaara stood up from the sofa as well. His eyes were glittering angrily. He clutched the collar of my shirt, pulled me forward, and kissed me. 

Gaara's kiss wasn't like Sasuke's kiss at all. Despite that it was the same act-- placing lips against another's lips-- Gaara wasn't gentle with me. He all but crushed his mouth against mine, sucking my lower lip into his mouth, his tongue immediately thrusting into my mouth. His tongue pushed against my tongue aggressively, immediately laying possession to what was rightfully Sasuke's, and his saliva mingled with mine, the bitter taste of coffee lingering in his mouth. 

"No!" I protested, trying to break away from him. I was scared. Whenever Sasuke kissed me, I felt warm and safe as I rested in his arms. But Gaara made me feel queasy, my stomach churning violently like I was going to throw up, and I felt my heart pound rapidly. I knew I was blushing. Sasuke was always so sweet and gentle, but Gaara was so possessive and demanding, and he evoked feelings in me that I never held for Sasuke. And that scared the shit out of me, because the only one I loved was Sasuke.

"You didn't like that?" Gaara demanded, his eyes narrowed. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong. I felt my heart speeding up even more as he stood so close to me, his arms firmly around my waist, his face mere centimeters away from mine. Forget centimeter; it was more of millimeter units.

When I just blushed and couldn't form coherent words, Gaara lowered his lips and started to suck on my neck. I softly moaned, and I felt dirty because I never moaned for anyone but Sasuke. But Sasuke never brought this tingling feeling to all part of my body, he never made my heart pound so fast that it felt like all my blood vessels would explode, and I was miserable that Gaara brought out such feelings inside of me.

"Do you understand now, little fox kit?" Gaara growled against my neck. "The feelings you have for Uchiha is mere infatuation that will quickly cool once you are committed to him. You don't sincerely love him, little one. That puppy love of yours won't make it to rest of your life."

"You're wrong," I snapped, struggling against his embrace again. "You're wrong! I'll like Sasuke for the rest of my life! Get the fuck away from me!"

Gaara finally allowed me to pull away from him. I glared at him, trembling with rage. Gaara turned away. "Face your true feelings, like I have. It's all right even if you do not love me back, for I will always love you unconditionally. But know that you are hurting him by faking your feelings."

And with that, Gaara left. I stared after him, then sat on the sofa and groaned. My head hurt. I wanted Sasuke to come back and make it all better.

* * * * *

"I came home," Sasuke softly said. I sprang up from writing my mission report and leapt towards him to give him a hug. 

"Sasurin! Welcome home!" I happily said. I snuggled against his warmth. His fragrance was comforting, and weird things Gaara said wasn't so upsetting anymore, now that I had Sasuke with me again. Who cared about what he said? I loved Sasuke, and that was all that mattered.

Sasuke gently pulled away from me. I was hurt that he didn't give me a kiss, but I figured he was still trying to put some distance between us because I was always demanding him to have sex. But I still wanted to have contact with him, so I reached out and took his hand.

Sasuke violently startled, flinching away from my touch. It was then that I definitely knew something was wrong, that I felt something heavy and cold weighing down on my stomach. "Sa, Sasuke?" I stammered, unable to hide the hurt in my voice.

"Sorry, Naruto. I'm just so tired," Sasuke murmured. He did sound tired. His lowered face didn't let me see his eyes, so I just forced a smile on my face and obediently backed away from him.

"Oh, sorry... Um, then rest. Should I make you anything to eat?"

"No, thank you," Sasuke quietly said. He stepped around me and threw himself on the bed. He didn't even bother taking his clothes off. I walked to him and sat next to him on the bed, worriedly looking down at him. 

Sasuke suddenly sat up and gathered me into his arms, hugging me so tightly that it felt like my ribs would crack. "...Sasuke?" I softly asked. 

"Naruto... Naruto, I like you so much," Sasuke said. He sounded so sad that it felt like my heart was breaking with every syllable he uttered. I didn't want Sasuke to be sad. I gingerly hugged him back, resting my head against his shoulder. "Naruto... My precious Naruto..."

"I like you, too, Sasuke," I told him. I put all my heart into those words. Sasuke seemed to be comforted, because he pulled me into the bed with him and cuddled with me to sleep, like we do every night. But it was then that I finally saw Sasuke's eyes, and I felt my heart wrenching again.

Sasuke's eyes were full of fear.

* * * * *

To Be Continued

It's so weird to do a first-person point of view... ^^;; Well, I think this fiction can be expressed better that way, because we can look into a person's psyche, instead of brushing over the feelings and surface appearances as we tend to do with third-person point of view. But Naruto's personality is very different from mine, so please forgive me if Naruto seems out of character. I tried. _

I'm so sorry, Sasuke! Sasuke fans will have to forgive me for torturing the poor guy. He's one of my favorite character, so it hurts me to hurt him. Unlike hurting Naruto, I get no sadistic pleasure out of torturing Sasuke, but it must be done for this story. And this story was bothering me to be written for quite a while, so it can't be helped...


	2. Garnet

Chapter 2 - Garnet: healing, protection, strength, blood, heart, sexual desires, passion, constancy, truth.

* * * * *

In childhood, it is typical for one to have a best friend and a rival. Strangely enough, Naruto played both of those roles for me. Not that I acknowledged him to be so or anything of that sort. He was the one who declared himself as my rival, and later as my best friend. As it was typical of rivalry, we had a girl who was supposed to be our love interest, we hated each other's guts, and everything was fine until we accidentally kissed. All the rules of rivalry went flying out of the window after that, because I have never heard of rivals of same gender kissing, much less falling in love. But-- lucky me-- I got to be the exception and I fell in love with that annoying idiot.

I never even had a crush before him, so I was quite disheartened to realize I liked him. And being the intelligent, rational creature that I am, after few years of one-sided love I cornered him on his way home one beautiful night, kissed him breathless, and told him that I liked him. And, true to all love stories, Naruto socked me on the jaw and asked me what the fuck I was sniffing lately. 

Fucking romance novels. Why did the guy in the Icha Icha Paradise got to have sex with the girl after the same love confession that I got punched for?

After that beautiful and romantic start, I got drunk, avoided Naruto like a plague, and was thinking of changing my name and moving to another country when Naruto told me he also liked me. He said he was sorry that it took him so long to acknowledge his feelings, and that he was just scared of being a homosexual. The guy was hated enough without having unusual sexual preference. I happily accepted his feelings.

I was floating about three centimeters in the air for few weeks after we started to go out before I realized something was wrong. Naruto did like me, but... He didn't love me the same way I loved him. He was so inexperienced with feelings that he mistook his affection for me as feelings for a lover, but he was wrong. He loved me as a brother, as a best friend. He didn't love me as a lover. He didn't lust after me, nor did his eyes hold any fiery passion for me.

I was quite crushed when I first realized this, but I didn't show my feelings. Years of learning not to express my emotions paid well, as Naruto never suspected anything wrong with our relationship. I tried my best to make him fall in love with me. I went as far as trying to have sex with him. But I knew he'll hate me for it later, so I stopped. He'll find his true love elsewhere, and he would leave me. This terrified me. Even with one-sided feelings, as long as he was with me, I was still happy. So I desperately clung to him, lying to both him and myself, and I hated myself for it.

"I don't want to remain a virgin," Naruto informed me as we stripped for a shower. He had no idea how much self-control I had to exert to not jump him and fuck him shitless. He had no idea how beautiful and perfect he was, and how much I wanted to make him into mine. He gave me an adorable little pout and sulked like a child as I adjusted the water temperature, then stepped into the showers with him.

"I told you that I can not have you yet," I said for the umpteenth time. I started to scrub his head with a soap. It was hard to make suds when the water was cool, and Naruto shivered as he clung to my body. We often took cold showers when we were aroused, because I refused to satiate my lust by using Naruto's body. I loved Naruto too much to do something horrible like that. "Your eyes tell me that you're not ready."

Naruto stared up at me with his huge blue eyes, then stood on his tiptoes and kissed me while his hands roamed my chest. Our moans were stifled with each other's mouths as our bare bodies touched together, and I growled as I pushed him against the wall, grinding my body aggressively against his smaller body. Naruto's tongue slipped under my lips, and he wrapped his arms around my back. I loved him so much. I wanted him to love me back so much. But no matter how much I searched, there was no love in his eyes, and I gently broke away from him and picked up the soap from the floor. Naruto looked upset that I pulled away yet again.

"...what makes you think I'm not ready? What do I have to do to make you want me? Sasurin, when do you think I'll be ready?" Naruto asked, looking like he was going to cry.

Oh, gods, I couldn't tell him the truth.

Naruto looked at me expectantly, and I finished washing his body and mine. We stepped out of the tub and I started to dry him with a towel. "I'll tell you when you're ready. I'm sure you'll be ready soon," I lied.

Naruto remained silent.

* * * * *

Something was wrong. Kakashi-sensei was actually on time. In fact, he was waiting for me when I got to the promised meeting place five minutes earlier than the appointed time. For few seconds I thought I had gotten the time wrong, but the grave look on Kakashi-sensei's face told me that it wasn't a simple problem of getting the time of meeting wrong. 

"Good morning," I said, lightly lowering my head. Kakashi-sensei nodded, but didn't reply. He stared at me until I was starting to get uncomfortable, then turned his eyes away from me.

"...Sasuke."

"Yes sir," I said, leaning against the railings of the bridge. Kakashi-sensei fell silent. All this tension was starting to get on my nerves. I needed nicotine. I dug out my packet of cigarettes. "Do you mind if I smoke?"

"Go ahead," Kakashi-sensei said, so I pulled a cigarette out and stuck it between my lips as I attempted to light it. The lighter continued to make clicking sounds and failed to produce any flames. I frowned in annoyance and clicked harder. Finally getting the stick lit, I inhaled deeply. Ah, nicotine. How would one survive without alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine? I offered a cigrette to Kakashi-sensei, but he declined.

"Sasuke, how well do you know of your bloodline? The history and tradition behind the Uchiha clan?" Kakashi-sensei asked. I exhaled and watched white smoke float up into the air. That was a strange question.

"Not much, I'm afraid. I was quite young when Itachi killed off everyone in my clan." The very thought left bad taste in my mouth. "Would this have anything to do with what you wished to discuss with me?"

"Yes. I wished to discuss your bloodline with you today," Kakashi-sensei gravely said. "It is absolutely necessary for you to know everything there is to know about the Uchiha family."

I swallowed the question 'why.' Kakashi-sensei would never waste my time by discussing useless subjects with me. Instead I nodded to show him that I was listening, continuing to smoke and watching the cigarette smoke floating around me in a half-transparent white cloud. Kakashi-sensei looked like he would rather give up reading his perverted books for the rest of his life than to discuss this topic with me, but he continued.

"Almost all advanced bloodlines work by incest, since most traits are expressed only in homozygous recessive genotype. That is one reason why advanced bloodline is so detested by many, because incest is viewed as sinful. Not only that, but the main family of an advanced bloodline tend to die out, since incest results in unpleasant genetic diseases," Kakashi-sensei said. I nodded. I was aware of this. My parents were also siblings, and I heard that there were few children between Itachi and I who have died at birth or at early childhood. "You do know that you are my cousin twice removed, a love child born between a Hatake man and an Uchiha woman. I wasn't included in the family records, since I was not a pure-blooded Uchiha."

My eyes widened slightly, even though I showed no other outward surprise at this. I did not know about that. But then again, how else would Kakashi-sensei possess a _sharingan_, albeit an imperfect one? "I did not know about that."

"Ah. Well. It does not matter much. But having even a drop of advanced blood in one's vein seems to induce a desire to produce children with those who have same blood flowing through their veins." Kakashi-sensei sighed. "Your older brother wished to have an intimate relationship with me, but I refused him. I loved him, but only as a younger brother. Apparently he, a full-blooded Uchiha, sincerely loved me, but I was unable to return his feelings. Few years later, he committed the Uchiha massacre."

I took in such a deep breath of cigarette smoke that I nearly choked. But I needed all the nicotine I could get. Because what was Kakashi-sensei talking about? Why was he telling me these things? "I have killed Itachi, and I do not have feelings for you at all except the respect and adoration of a pupil towards his teacher. I do not understand why you would tell me of such unnecessary things. Do you wish to apologize for the Uchiha massacre? It was not your fault."

"No, no," Kakashi-sensei said, shaking his head slightly. "You see, there are three people who carry the Uchiha blood in their veins at the moment. You, myself, and... your half brother."

I snorted, finding this amusing. "Half brother, you say."

"Yes," Kakashi-sensei quietly said. "Even though your father was physically drawn to your mother, his sister, he did not love her at heart. He had another lover, a beautiful young maiden. He conceived a child with her about the same time that you were conceived. He was born only few months after your birth, and the mother died at birth. His father was never revealed, and only the Uchiha family knew of this child's true father."

I felt like vomiting at this new knowledge. My father was cheating on my mother when she was pregnant with me? The mere thought was enough to make my stomach churn and make me feel hatred toward my own father. Then I was furious at Kakashi-sensei. Why must he defile my memories of my father in his death? "That is none of my concern. I do not wish to meet this younger brother of mine, and I wish you did not tell me about him. Now, if you'll excuse me."

I turned away to leave, but Kakashi-sensei gave me a sharp look. "I am not finished."

"I am not interested," I shot back. I knew I was being rude, but I did not wish to hear anymore. Kakashi-sensei raised his hand as if he would strike me, but he firmly placed his hands on my shoulders instead. His eyes were filled with sorrow, and I bit my lower lip and avoided looking at his face.

"No. You must hear me out. Because your father's lover was no one other than the last survivor of the Uzumaki clan."

The world suddenly went pure white, and all sounds died out. Only the name 'Uzumaki' rang in my mind, echoing insanely loud, and I numbly stared at Kakashi-sensei. I tossed my cigarette to the ground and pulverized the tip with the heel of my sandal, then turned around.

"...don't screw around with me."

"Sasuke, do you not understand? Naruto is your younger brother," Kakashi-sensei told me in an anguished voice. I heard him, but my mind refused to process this information. So like a mechanical device, I nodded. "If you two have told me about your relationship sooner, I would have told you of this a lot more earlier. I should have expected you to be drawn to the last Uchiha of your age, but you two were both boys, and I... You can only imagine how horrified I was when you two announced your relationship to us last week! Did you two have sex yet? No, what am I asking, you two have been living together for years now..."

"That's impossible," I flatly said. "I do not fall in love with my brothers."

"No?" Kakashi asked. "Think, Sasuke. He carries half Uchiha blood, and his other half comes from his mother, who was favored by your father. Genetically speaking, it wouldn't be strange if you find Naruto attractive like your father did for his mother, since Naruto looks so much like his mother."

I tried to struggle out of Kakashi-sensei's grip. "I... I got to go to my mission now..."

"Whatever decision you two make, I will respect it. But please think it over, Sasuke. Naruto is not full-blooded Uchiha like yourself, and even full-blooded Uchiha are not necessarily drawn to their blood-related. Please make sure both you and Naruto are serious about this relationship, not just sexual one that satisfies your lust. Or else you'll end up getting hurt."

Kakashi-sensei sounded so sincere, so understanding. I didn't understand a word of what he was saying. Naruto couldn't be my brother. That's disgusting. Was he telling me the flutter of heart I felt when I was kissing Naruto... the warmth in my heart whenever he smiled at me... the glow I felt whenever he hugged me... those were all lies? I was just lusting after Naruto because he carried the Uchiha blood? I just wanted to make pure-blooded Uchiha babies with him? 

Impossible. I loved him. I loved him with everything I have to offer. He was mine. I was his. We were not brothers. We couldn't be brothers. Even if we're brothers, my feelings for him couldn't be lies. 

"Then excuse me," I hoarsely whispered. I needed to get away from him. This time, Kakashi-sensei allowed me to leave. I walked. After few kilometers of aimless walking, I squatted on the sidewalk and emptied out all the contents of my stomach. And as the mixture of half-digested food particles and stomach acid came up my esophagus, I wondered to myself what the fuck I was going to do from then on.

* * * * *

I felt tired. My heart felt sick. I needed to see Naruto. I wanted to hold him in my arms and let him make me feel all better. Naruto always made everything better. Even when I was insane with vengeance and was vent on getting Orochimaru's powers, Naruto had not forsaken me. Everyone liked me for my pretty looks, my skills as a ninja, or my prestigious family, but those things meant nothing to Naruto. He loved my soul. He was the only one in the world who loved me for just being Sasuke. His Sasuke.

"I came home," I muttered as I opened the door to Naruto's apartment. That word, 'I came home.' I only learned to speak it again when I started to live with Naruto and he scolded me for not greeting him properly. It meant so much to me, yet...

"Sasurin! Welcome home!" Naruto happily yelped, tossing scrolls into the air-- I presumed them to be his mission reports-- and bounced up to me, tightly embracing me. He was so happy to see me. Would he be as happy to see me if he knew I was his brother? If he knew I was making him live a lie, make him pretend to love someone he did not? For my selfishness, will he grow to hate me?

Naruto snuggled against me, his little body snuggly fitting against mine. He was so beautiful, so pure. I wanted to kiss him, to tightly hold him. But immediate self hatred made me want to throw up again, and I gently pulled away from him, keeping my head lowered. Naruto immediately tensed, and I could tell that I caused him pain. My lips moved to form words of apology, but no sound came from my mouth. I was so confused and scared. I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to do now. 

Naruto's hand tentatively held my hand, and I immediately flinched and pulled away, shuddering at the touch. Don't touch me, Naruto. You'll grow to loathe me. You'll be tainted. I love you so much; I can't touch you...

"Sa, Sasuke?" Naruto asked. He was wounded. He called me 'Sasuke.' He only called me that when he was really angry or upset. Ever since we started to be intimate, he always called me 'Sasurin' after I protested against the initial 'Sasuko-chan.' I hated that nickname, but not being called by that nickname somehow hurt me. My heart was breaking up piece by piece, while my brain cells rapidly died out. I wanted to sleep and never wake up again. I wanted to run away.

"Sorry, Naruto. I'm just so tired," I said. I really was tired. I was supposed to be the strong one, the one who protected Naruto against everything. I was supposed to make everything safe and secure for him. I wasn't supposed to make him worried like this. I wanted to kill myself for hurting my Naruto like this, yet I couldn't help it.

"Oh, sorry... Um, then rest. Should I make you anything to eat?" Naruto asked. He was always so considerate of my feelings. Why do you care about trash like me, Naruto? I don't even have the courage to tell you that you don't love me. That I'm your brother. That I need to get away from you before I do anything to you.

"No, thank you," I said instead. I stretched out on the bed, and I felt a pressure at side of the bed. Naruto was sitting down next to me. I couldn't tell him. I wouldn't tell him anything. It didn't matter. Even if we're brothers, even if he didn't love me back, I couldn't let him go. I would die if I let him go.

I sat up and pulled Naruto into a tight embrace. Naruto stilled, then carefully hugged me back. I felt his forehead resting against my shoulder. He murmured against the fabric of my cloth, "...Sasuke?"

"Naruto... Naruto, I like you so much," I selfishly said. I'm so disgusting. Naruto's hug on me tightened, and he pressed his cheek against the junction of my shoulder blades. "Naruto... My precious Naruto..." You can't leave me. I won't let you.

"I like you, too, Sasuke," Naruto said. Why was he so sincere? He really meant what he said. I felt like crying, but I swallowed my tears. I didn't say anything else, because I knew my voice would be choked and hoarse. I pushed him into the sheets and held him in my arms, pressing my cheek against his forehead. Naruto looked into my eyes, then shuddered. He lightly kissed my eyelids.

"Don't be sad, Sasurin. Tell Naruto what's wrong?" 

Thank heavens, he was calling me by my pet name again. "Say that again," I hoarsely whispered. Naruto had the most adorable puzzled look on his face. He tilted his head to one side.

"What, Sasurin?"

"...thank you."

I finally managed to give him a small smile, and that was enough to make him happy again. He was so easily pleased, just like a tiny child. He gave me a wide grin and gave me a kiss on the lips, and I didn't flinch. "You know, you know, while Sasurin was away, I was babysitting, and--"

"That was your mission?" I asked, amused by this. Naruto pouted.

"Yeah. Dumb. Anyway, I was thinking. You know how we were talking about adopting kids when we settled down and stuff? How many kids do you want to adopt, Sasurin?"

His eyes were sparkling happily, and he seemed so enthralled with this subject that I smiled and lowered my eyes. "As many as you would like, Naruto. Anything for you."

Naruto blushed. "Don't say gross stuff, Sasurin. Well, I was hoping we'll adopt like five--"

"Five?" I asked, trying not to cringe. "We're not opening an orphanage."

"But I never had siblings, and I was always so envious of kids who had lots of siblings! So when I was a brat, I decided I'm going to make as much babies as I can! Five isn't that many; you're not giving birth to them or anything!" Naruto argued. I felt my expression stiffen again. I tried not to show him how uneasy I was with this subject.

"...you want siblings?"

"Yeah, but I heard my mom died right after I was born and I didn't have any relatives. That's why I got the demon fox, you know. Because the villagers agreed to feed me and stuff if I'm sacrificed. It would've been great if I had a sibling. An older brother, maybe, so he could protect me..." Naruto smiled a little bitterly, but quickly brushed his sadness aside when he noticed how tense I was. He quickly gave me flurry of kisses, holding me tightly. "Oh, darn, I'm such an idiot! I'm sorry, Sasuke, I forgot about your big brother. I'm so sorry!"

"...don't worry about it," I said. My voice sounded strained, even to my own ears. I'm that older brother you wanted so much, Naruto. When you were so lonely, I did nothing for you. I only made your life miserable, and I won't even let you go to be free now... Someone, please tell me that Kakashi-sensei is wrong. Please tell me that I'm not Naruto's big brother.

Our conversation died there, and Naruto fell asleep a little after that. When his breathing grew regular and peaceful and dreamy expression was upon his face, I knew he was deeply asleep. So I finally covered my face and sobbed. I think the last time I cried was when I was born into the world. I cried and cried until my throat felt dry and raw and I had cried all my tears out. After I cried, I felt more peaceful. So I held Naruto tightly against my chest and stared into the darkness until the next day's sun rose.

My head still hurt, but I had made up my mind about most things. I decided that unless a real evidence of Naruto being my younger brother appeared, I wouldn't believe Kakashi-sensei. And I decided that unless Naruto found his true love, I wouldn't tell him the truth about our relationship. I wouldn't tell him anything.

I couldn't let him go.

* * * * *

To Be Continued

*sings to self* I~ will be killed~ ^^;; Until Kishimoto-sensei gives us exact details on Naruto's real parents and how the sharingan and Uchiha clan works, I shall continue to sprout weird theories... A lot of people think that it's a fact that the fourth hokage is Naruto's father, but that's not necessarily true! If you saw fourth hokage's prototype, you'll see that he was not the beautiful man that he is now. In fact, he was *gasp* ugly! And he didn't look like Naruto at all back then. And in the prototype version, Naruto's father was the demon fox himself(so Naruto was literally a fox kit).

This chapter was written in Sasuke's first-person point of view, which was a lot easier to write than Naruto(probably because I don't really care if he's out of character; I usually mix my personality in him because I like him and I'm also very cynical and standoffish). Oh, and I don't promote cigarettes at all. I dislike them very much. I think they're overly expensive and gross. Alcohol and caffeine are great(in moderate amounts), but cigarette gives you lung cancer and all kind of unpleasant diseases. I don't know what Sasuke is doing with cigarettes. Probably oral complex, along with his anal complex. -.-;;

No, Sasuke would never cheat on Naruto. And Naruto most definitely will NOT have Gaara's babies *snickers*, so please don't worry about that. And... I think this chapter explains why I have the incest warning up... ^^;; (No Itachi x Sasuke here, sorry... I was thinking of using him somewhere in the story, but that would make everything too complicated. So killed him off. ^^;;)


	3. Topaz

Chapter 3 - Topaz: Cure for insomnia, fidelity, faithfulness to partner.

* * * * *

At the edge of the consciousness, I felt someone intently watching me. I opened my eyes. The first thing that greeted me when my gaze focused was a pair of big, solemn black eyes. I closed my eyes again, letting hint of a smile play over my lips. Surely, Sasuke will tackle me and wrestle with me if I tease him enough. "Stop staring at me."

"Get up," Sasuke quietly said. His voice sounded hoarse. Disappointed that Sasuke refused to play around, I opened my eyes again and sat up. Then I remembered I made him upset yesterday night by talking-- of all things-- about his older brother. I wondered if Sasuke was still upset about that. I gave him a hug.

"Good morning, Sasurin."

Sasuke didn't say anything in return, but he gave me a hug back. I expectantly looked up at him, but he didn't give me a kiss. His expression was kind of weird. I had a sinking feeling that I seriously fucked something up, so I clapped my hands above my head and hurriedly said, "I'm sorry, Sasurin! Don't be mad! I'll never, ever talk about him again!"

"...about whom?" Sasuke asked. I blinked owlishly at him. We gave each other confused looks, then Sasuke patted my head. He was forcing his face into some kind of expression. I think he was trying to smile. It looked painful. "I am not angry. Wash up, and we'll have breakfast."

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Sasuke had been crying. Now that the light hit his face in right spots, I was able to see that his eyes were swollen and red, his cheeks ashen and pale. There was heavy sadness in his eyes, just like yesterday. Sasuke was acting really weird since last night. I pulled my sleeping clothes off. I stared at the wrinkled clothes, then I sat on the bed and actually folded the clothes. I looked up, and noticed Sasuke staring at me. He hurriedly turned his head away when our eyes met.

"Sasurin!" I said with all the cheer I could muster. Unlike Sasuke, I was really good at forcing my face into a bright smile that was actually convincing. Of course, if Sasuke cared to look, he would've noticed that it was an empty smile, but he didn't bother. "Sasurin likes _sukiyaki_, right? Let's eat that tonight! We'll buy lots and lots of ingredients, and you can eat all the vegetables, and I'll eat all the meat!"

Sasuke nodded without arguing that I should eat vegetables, too. He didn't look at my face. He opened his mouth, but he shook his head and walked away to the kitchen. I stared at his turned back, then slowly pulled my legs against my chest and rested my forehead against my knees. I finally mumbled to myself the question I haven't been able to ask Sasuke because I was scared.

"...what's wrong, Sasuke...?"

* * * * *

"Thank you for the food," Sasuke and I said. We picked up our rice bowls and chopsticks and started to eat. I usually talked to the point of being annoying during our meals, but I didn't feel like saying anything, so I concentrated on eating instead. The rice kept getting stuck in my throat. When I kept drinking water, Sasuke gave me a worried look.

"...is the soup too salty?"

"Oh, no! Not at all! It's great!" I hurriedly said. I wanted to keep the conversation going, but I couldn't think of anything else to say. I lowered my face and resumed eating.

"...say, Naruto."

"Huh?" I asked. Sasuke was looking at me quite seriously.

"Do you know anything about your family history? Your parents? Grandparents? Anything at all about the Uzumaki clan?"

I stared at him, the chopsticks hanging out from my lips. Okay, that was random... But hey, at least he was trying to have a conversation. Communication was a good thing. "Uh, I'm a bastard kid... My last name Uzumaki comes from my Mom, not Dad. I don't know anything about my Dad. The Uzumaki clan specializes in wind and shadow type of spells, like the Uchiha clan specializes in fire and light type spells. Aside from that, there isn't much I know."

Sasuke looked really anxious as he softly asked, "Did... did your eyes ever turn red? Like you feel strange prickle in your eyes, and suddenly you can see everything with absolute clarity? It sort of burns."

"Well, yeah," I cheerfully said. "Of course! You know, when I get really mad and the demon fox _chakra_ comes out? My eyes glow red and I grow claws and fangs and everything! That's really cool!"

Sasuke's face relaxed into a smile at that, and whatever it was that I said, I was very proud of myself for making my Sasuke feel all better. Idiots amuse geniuses, you know. "Did you ever have a blood test done? The Uzumaki clan doesn't have advanced blood, right?"

Well, if family trees and health records rocked Sasuke's world, I was willing to play along. Anything to make him happy. "I only know my blood is B. The demon chakra tainted my blood so much that it's a big mess of... uh... well, blood cells. Weird blood cells. Whether my Dad had been advanced blooded dude or anything, I never found out. Nothing special about me so far, except the good old demon fox stuff. You know I sucked at _jutsu _and stuff when I was a brat."

Sasuke nodded, looking a lot more relieved about something. He suddenly stood up and all but ran to the living room. I was curious, so I trailed along. He kneeled on the floor and looked at the bottom of the bookcase there, where we kept albums and stuff like that. He was muttering something to himself, then he pulled a thick book out. He dusted it off, then quickly flipped through the pages until he came to the last page of the Uchiha genealogy. I knelt on the floor and stared at the pages with him.

Sasuke's mom, as expected, was gorgeous. Sasuke and Itachi took after their mom. Next to her was Sasuke's dad, who was also quite a handsome man. I followed the branches upwards to see Sasuke's grandparents, and I gleefully pointed at Sasuke's grandfather. His mother's side and father's side grandfather was the same, which probably meant that Sasuke's parents were siblings. "Hey, Sasurin, look! Your grandpa has white hair like Kakashi-sensei!"

"It's not white. It's platinum blond," Sasuke quietly said. His voice sounded kind of strange, but I ignored his tone in favor of ogling at Sasuke's grandfather. He didn't look like Sasuke at all! Because both Sasuke and his older brother had blackish blue hair, I thought it was the whole Uchiha clan thing, but apparently not. 

"Look, he even has blue eyes like me!" I tilted my head to one side. "Actually, even the shape of his eyes looks a lot like mine... Your uncle looks a lot like me, too. And this guy here looks like Kakashi..."

Sasuke suddenly closed the book with such a force that I nearly got my fingers slammed shut between the pages. "Sasurin! What the...!"

"I'm l-leaving," Sasuke stammered. His face was deathly pale. He was shivering so violently that I was instantly alarmed. I placed my hand against his forehead, and felt cold sweat gathering upon his brows.

"What's wrong? Is it a cold?" I asked him. His forehead didn't feel hot, but all colors were drained from his face. "Should I go buy some medicine? Where does it hurt?"

"N-no, I have to go to my mission. I'm late," Sasuke said, pulling away from me. Just two days ago, Sasuke had said that he didn't have any mission today, so he'll do spring cleaning. I have short memory span, but lying to me like that... Sasuke would never lie to me like that...

Sasuke pulled some clothes on and ran out of the apartment, not giving me another glance. I slowly sat on the floor, because my knees felt weak. I didn't mention Itachi today. Or is everything concerning his family upsetting to him? But he was the one who brought up that topic! Or... or maybe it's because I was talking about adopting so many kids yesterday. Maybe that's what made Sasuke upset. I'm such an idiot! 

"Sasuke, I'm sorry," I said. I furiously blinked my eyes, because I felt like crying. But tears never did solve my problems. So I muttered over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... Please don't hate me; I love you so much. Don't run away from me; I'm sorry..."

* * * * *

It was raining. Even though it was supposed to be spring, the rain was still cold. I sat on the sofa, staring at my knees. No matter how much I racked my brains, I couldn't figure out why Sasuke was acting so weird lately. I shivered and decided I needed a sweater. I stood up, just in time to hear the knock on the door.

"Who is it?" I asked, glancing at the clock. Please let it be Sasuke... But there was no reply, so I opened the door a crack, peering out at the person behind the door. I tried not to, but my expression fell immediately. It wasn't Sasuke.

"Gaara... What in the world are you doing here in this weather?" I asked, stepping aside to let him inside. I didn't want to see him right now. He still frightened me from the last time he came to visit, and I was confused enough about Sasuke's odd behavior to think about Gaara's confession. Gaara didn't move. "Gaara, get inside. If you stay out in this weather, you'll get a cold."

This made Gaara smile a little. "...you're such a nice person, Naruto."

"Huh?" I asked. I gave him a weird look. "Uh, thanks."

"Are you this nice to everyone?" Gaara asked. There was something beneath the tone of his voice I couldn't quite understand. Gaara's hands reached out to touch my cheeks. "Are you so caring to everyone? Do you smile for everyone?"

Okay, he was freaking me out again. So I tried to step back, except Gaara lowered his face and kissed my forehead. "I don't want you to be nice to anyone except to me. You're the first one who was ever nice to me, who healed the pain in my heart by the feeling of 'love.' I want to be the most important person to you, too."

I stayed silent and stared up at him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because I definitely liked Gaara a lot. It frightened me that Gaara was who I could have been, had I not met my friends. And because he resembled my old self so much, I tried my best to be friends with him, to make that huge hole in his heart go away. But I most definitely did not want this kind of feelings from him. I think. Gaara softly asked, "Do you hate me, Naruto?"

"No!" I sharply said. "No," I repeated, trying to soften my tone. Gaara, don't you start that shit over again! "Gaara, you know I like you a lot. It's just-- so sudden. And it's unfair of you to tell me that, just when you learn that I'm with Sasuke."

"That is precisely why I tell you now. You mustn't make a mistake with your feelings," Gaara said. "You don't love Uchiha. You'll grow to hate him if you continue to be with him--"

"Oh, so you know me better than I know myself?! Aren't you just jealous?" I hotly asked him. I needed something to grab, so I clutched his shirt collar in my hands, tiptoed to glare at him, and yelled, "Well, fuck you! You're just after my ass!"

Gaara sighed and gently pushed me away. "Calm down, Naruto. I shouldn't have touched you like yesterday; I apologize. I understand you are angry. But I would never hurt you, Naruto. I don't care if you don't return my feelings. But you mustn't be with Uchiha."

"Why?!" I screamed. I felt my throat stinging as the volume of my voice steadily increased, but I was too angry to control myself. The stress of Sasuke being weird on me had accumulated heavily, and I knew it was horrible of me to take it out on Gaara, but I did that anyway. I knew I'll regret this later. "Why the fuck can't I be with Sasuke?! What proof do you have that I don't love him?!"

Gaara thoughtfully gazed at me, then slowly said, "Your eyes reflect no love for him at all. You only like him because he's your friend, a brother figure. Tell me. Do you feel flutter of heart when you are with Uchiha? Lust? Infatuation? Does your pulse quicken and your face redden just by thinking of him? Do you feel a big void in your heart when he is not with you?" I shook my head. If anything, those feelings are stuff I felt when Gaara was around. Sasuke was warmth and security; the person I ran to when I got hurt. But lust and love are different things. I don't love Gaara. I can't love Gaara. Gaara lifted my chin up and forced me to look at his eyes. "Do you want to have sex with me, or Uchiha?"

"You," I automatically said. I immediately stiffened, horrified at what I blurted out, and tried to pull away. Gaara pulled me closer and kissed me, firmly wrapping his arms around me. "No," I said, pushing him away. My heart was beating faster again, clenching in my chest painfully. "Go away."

"I like you, Naruto," Gaara told me. I felt hot and dizzy. Gaara always made me uncomfortable. I didn't like the feelings he gave me. "Naruto..."

I didn't refuse the second kiss he gave me. He pushed his way in between my lips, then coaxed my tongue to come out of my mouth. As his lips sucks and nibbled at my tongue, I felt his hands pushing up underneath my shirt. His hand felt cold against my skin. I felt strange throbbing between my legs and was mortified. Gaara only kissed me! Why was I already hard? Why was my body betraying me like this?

I squeaked in a very undignified manner as Gaara touched my chest, rolling his thumb and index finger around my nipples to make them hard. He pulled away from my lips and licked his slightly swollen lips, then kissed my chin, down to my neck. I shivered as he kissed and nuzzled against my neck, then gently nipped his teeth against it. I whined and moaned. I wanted him to touch me more. I wanted him to make love to me. I wanted him to...

"Stop it!" I cried, kicking his stomach as hard as I could. My legs felt like they turned into jelly, so I'm not sure how much pain I inflicted on him, but from his expression I gathered that it hurt. He obediently pulled away from me and kissed my forehead.

"Sorry," he apologized. He brushed back my hair. "Do you want me to stay here with you until Uchiha comes back?"

I shook my head. I couldn't look at him. I felt so dirty. I was cheating on Sasuke. On Sasuke! How could I do something like that?! Gaara gathered me into his arms, and his chest felt comforting against my cheek, even though my heart was also beating wildly. "Good night, little one. Think about it. Don't hurt Uchiha and yourself more than you have to."

I numbly watched Gaara leaving, then wrapped myself in blanket and shivered. I hated myself.

* * * * *

To Be Continued

I would write more to this chapter, except I have to finish and save this to floppy disc before I go school! Unless I do that, you guys won't get another chapter for who knows how long for reasons I discussed in the Yahoo! Groups. I don't have access to internet right now, so I need the school library. X.x

Oh, it's very possible for someone who's blond to be born between even two people who are black-haired. It's explained in the rant I posted up at Yahoo! Groups. I wrote a mini-essay when I felt like a prick about whole genetics, and you guys probably don't want to read angry little scientific rant, so I'm not going to include the explanation here. Just know: 1. Grandparents are probably more important for your genes than your parents and 2. Hair, skin, and eye color aren't simple dominate/recessive genes; they're influenced by multiple genes, your environment, and your growth. 


	4. Emerald

Chapter 4 - Emerald: Safety, luck, tranquility

* * * * *

I walked and walked and walked. I wasn't quite sure how long I walked. It started to rain, and then the sun gradually set. When the sun dropped beyond the horizon line, it got dark and cold. It was only then I realized that I was soaked like a drowning mouse. I lit up a cigarette and took in a deep drag. My hand was trembling so much that I could barely hold my cigarette still. That was annoying.

Naruto. My Naruto. I spent most of my life with him. Ever since we were tiny little brats, I have watched him from the distance. I didn't know why. I just liked watching him, I guess. He went against the society, unlike myself. Like a little hypocrite, I tried my best to blend into the society because I was different and I was terrified of being sorted out. But Naruto drew attention to himself, albeit disgusted sneers and insulting comments. He never lied to himself. He was always overly loud and stupid and made mistakes, but he was always himself, so he never lost to his inner self. I think his truthful self was what I liked the most about him, because I'm a liar.

I didn't really care that Naruto's my brother. There were only so many ninja-_tachi_ available, and especially among advanced bloodlines, incest was a common thing. Even if Naruto was my full-blooded brother, instead of only half, I would still become his lover. Society frowned upon that, but so what? Homosexualism isn't exactly revered, either. Fuck the society. It wasn't the society that I gave a damn about. It was Naruto's feelings that was my biggest worry.

I stumbled and lost my footing. My cheek slid against the muddy ground, and my cigarette went flying into the air before landing to my side. The light hissed as it hit the wet pavement, and then went out. I coughed and picked myself up, rubbing the back of my hand against my cheek. It was getting really dark. I could barely see what lay ahead of me. I felt something hot flushing my cheeks, and my throat felt dry and raw. I was probably coming down with something, but I wasn't exactly keen on living a long, healthy life. 

If Naruto knew that I was his brother, how would he react? I was sure Naruto wasn't thrilled about incestual relationships. I already knew that he doesn't love me as a lover. What would happen if Naruto found a lover? If Naruto realized that I lied to him again, would he hate me? No, Naruto's too nice for that. He'll probably stay by my side as my friend, giving me sympathetic looks and saying nice things to cheer me up. I would rather cut open my stomach and pull all my intestines out before I would reduce myself to that level. Pity? That's not I wanted from Naruto.

My body started to shake uncontrollably. Goosebumps rose from my arms. I stumbled again, but leaned against a wall and regained my balance. I squinted at the doorplate, then took out the spare key Naruto gave me and opened the door.

"Sa- Sasuke?!" Naruto's voice asked. I didn't reply. I walked to the bathroom and started to pull off all my cloths. There was a shuffling sound, then Naruto was standing by the doorway of the bathroom. He was wearing my pajamas, probably for security reasons. That made him look like a tiny kid. He timidly looked at me. "Sasuke... What happened to you...? Are you okay? How about dinner?"

I shook my head to indicate I didn't want any. I stepped into the showers and beckoned for him to join me. Naruto's face lit up at that, and I felt guilty again. He was so happy at the smallest signs of affection I showed him, and yet I hated myself so much that I could barely touch Naruto without flinching. I was staining Naruto with my sins, yet I couldn't keep away from him. I turned the water on and adjusted the temperature so that the water will be nice and warm, then straightened to watch Naruto pulling his clothes off.

I felt my stomach churning. White flashes danced before my eyes. "...Naruto?"

"Yeah, Sasurin?" Naruto cheerfully asked, smiling at me. I stepped out of the showers and clutched at his wrists, pulling him closer to me. I mutely stared at him, then brought him towards the mirror on the wall. 

My voice came out really cold and low, even though I felt so angry that I felt fire burning within me. "Who did this, Naruto?"

Naruto had paled, staring at his reflection in the mirror. On his neck were kiss marks, and some bastard had bit his neck hard enough to draw blood. Naruto hurriedly covered the kiss marks, blushing brightly. "Sasurin..."

I pulled Naruto into the showers with me. I was furious. It wasn't that I was angry at Naruto. The smudged, unclear marks clearly showed that Naruto had struggled against whoever did that to him, that Naruto had tried his best to keep himself pure for me. But Naruto was as easy to read as a book, and it was obvious that Naruto loved whoever did this to him. His eyes lit up briefly when he noticed the kiss marks. That meant I had to let him go now. But I couldn't do that. I'll never let him go.

"Sasurin! I'm sorry, Sasurin, I'll never let Gaara come near me again! Sasurin..."

"So it's him...?" I asked, my voice choking up. Why had I been so blind? The way Naruto smiled at Gaara, the way Gaara would tenderly touch Naruto's cheek, the way they would longingly look at each other... All this time, I had been denying that those two had feelings for each other! "Where did he touch you...?"

"Sasurin, nothing happened! Really!" Naruto begged, his eyes desperate. I didn't know what kind of expression I was wearing, but Naruto looked scared. I shut him up by kissing him hard enough to bruise. I always tried my best to be gentle with him, but that didn't matter anymore. I would never let Naruto go. Siblings, friends, fuck it all. Naruto belonged to only me.

Naruto cried out as I harshly sucked at his neck, placing my mark over the marks that Gaara had made on his skin. We slowly sat down on the tub, which was filling up with warm water I had turned on. I placed my hands on either side of Naruto's body, trapping him underneath me and digging my canine into Naruto's skin until I broke through it and tasted his blood. Naruto winced. "Sasurin... That hurts!"

I ignored him and pushed him further against the wall, my cold flesh against his warm flesh. Naruto's skin felt almost hot against my chilled skin, and I revered in the sensation his skin gave me. I kissed Naruto again, then nibbled along his jaw before placing a kiss on Naruto's nose. Naruto was staring at me. Affection was there, and perhaps curiosity, but there was no desire for me in Naruto's eyes. I felt something stabbing at my heart, but ignored it and ran my hand along Naruto's spine until I reached his entrance. I sharply pushed my index finger inside.

"Ow!" Naruto cried out. His expression was turning weird. "Sa, Sasurin, what are you doing?!"

"Having sex with you," I muttered. Why did my voice sound so weird? Naruto squirmed against my finger, biting into his lower lip.

"Why now?" Naruto softly asked, cupping my cheeks with his hands. He tilted his head to one side. "You don't look so well, Sasurin. I think you need to rest tonight."

"You don't want to do it with me anymore?" I snapped, glaring at him. I clutched at Naruto's behind tightly with my free hand, pushing my finger further inside of him. It was hard to push in my finger, because water wasn't a great lubrication and Naruto was a virgin. "What, is it Gaara you want now?! Is that it?!"

"No!" Naruto protested, shaking his head. "Don't be like this, Sasurin... You know I love you! It's just, you're not being yourself, and you're hurting me!"

I forced another finger inside Naruto, and Naruto yelped. He tried to get away from me, struggling against my grip. "I'm going to make you into mine," I growled. Naruto's face was twisting with pain.

"Sasurin... Please don't do that, you're hurting me... Sasurin, you're scaring me! Please stop!"

I ignored him and forced another finger in. A loud noise echoed in the bathroom, and it was only seconds later when my cheek started to hurt that I realized that Naruto slapped me. Tears were running down his cheeks. He looked terrified. "Sasurin, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

I hurriedly pulled my fingers out of him. I stared at him, then turned around and shut the water off. The tub was almost overflowing. I turned back to Naruto. He was crying and trembling, curled up into a small ball against the wall. He raised his tear-filled eyes to look at me. "If you won't tell me what's wrong, I can't do anything for you... Sasurin, what's wrong? What's going on?"

It was then that it dawned on me that I had almost raped Naruto. In my blind fury at myself and jealousy, I had hurt Naruto. I scrambled away from Naruto so fast that I nearly fell backwards into the tub full of water, then I pulled myself out of the tub and dried myself. I felt tears stinging at the edge of my eyes as well. "Naruto... I'm sorry," I hoarsely whispered. "I'm so sorry..."

I left the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.

* * * * *

I woke up and discovered every part of my body felt like it had been ripped out. It hurt. A lot. I wasn't sure if it was because I was coming down with something or because I had slept on the sofa the night before. I tried to stand up, and discovered I couldn't. Naruto was curled up on my chest, sleeping contently. I watched him, then sighed and held him closer to my chest, nuzzling against his cheek. Why did the idiot sleep on the sofa with me? Didn't he get the hint that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore? 

After all, if I'm going to leave him, I should start preparing myself for separation starting from now...

I brushed back Naruto's hair. "That Gaara bastard better take good care of you," I murmured. My heart broke with each syllable I muttered, but I said my thoughts out loud, because that made my thoughts so much more realistic. "Naruto, you'll be the happiest with that guy, right? After all, he likes you so much, and you like him, too... If you're with me, we'll just end up hurting each other. Kakashi-sensei was right... As long as you're happy, I am, too. It'll hurt that I can't share your happiness with you, but that's okay. You just be the happiest you can be, and that's more than enough. It's about time I stop being a child and do only selfish things..."

Naruto stirred, then one of his eyes opened halfway. He weakly smiled at me. "Sasurin... Good morning..."

"Good morning, Naruto," I said in the most neutral voice I could manage. Apparently it was good enough, because Naruto immediately smiled brightly. He rolled off of me to the floor and placed his hands on top of my hand.

"Do you feel better now, Sasurin? You were really weird yesterday, you know! But I'll act weird, too, if I hung out outside while I was all soaked and stuff! What were you doing outside anyway? See, you're all hot now; you probably came down with a cold!" I closed my eyes as Naruto placed his hand on top of my forehead. I must have a fever, because Naruto's hand felt nice and cool, and Naruto's hands were always nice and warm. Naruto gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Now Naruto will make you some porridge and then to go his mission, so Sasurin will stay home and rest like a good little boy that he is, right?"

I think Naruto wanted me to protest about the little boy comment. That would be my usual behavior. I wanted to be his security again, to make him think everything was fine. But everything was not fine, and frankly I was starting to get sick and tired of lying all the time. Why was I always lying? Why couldn't I be more truthful to myself and Naruto? I'm such a coward! I hate myself so much!

"Okay," I said after a brief silence, closing my eyes. Naruto stood up and walked away to the kitchen. Naruto's voice quickly reached my ears and then faded away.

"I'm so glad you're back to normal, Sasurin!"

* * * * *

Naruto sat by my feet and watched me eating the porridge he made for me. Frankly it tasted awful. He put too much salt, and he had forgotten to put the sesame oil in the porridge, so it had a bland aftertaste. But even if it was poison, if Naruto gave me, I'll gladly eat it. "Aren't you eating any?" I asked him. Naruto sheepishly laughed.

"I'm not too fond of porridge. I'll make some cup ramen later and eat it. Does it taste okay, Sasurin?"

"It's delicious," I lied. Naruto grinned and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"I have to get ready for my mission now. Don't cry just because I'm gone, because I'll come home as soon as possible," Naruto teased. I managed a weak smile. Naruto stood up and trotted to the closet, where we kept the weapons. Then he threw the closet open.

Naruto doesn't organize his closet. He always stuffed all his weapons in all available space and called it 'organized.' As long as something was out of his sight, as far as he was concerned, it was clean. I always opened our closet very closely because Naruto always stacked weapons on top of each other and opening the closet very quickly would cause the weapons to come tumbling down. And Naruto had just slammed the door open like the idiot that he was.

"Naruto!" I sharply cried, leaping up from my seat. Sharp pain ran up every fiber of my muscles, but I ignored the pain and ran across the living room as fast as I could, clutching Naruto's shirt collar and yanking him back as hard as I could. Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough. Naruto was holding his hands against his face, and blood was dripping between his fingers. 

"Naruto! Naruto, are you all right?" I asked. It was all my fault. I always took the weapons out for him, so Naruto never had to be careful. I should have warned him. I should have taken the weapons out for him. "Naruto!"

"Sasurin," Naruto whimpered. I pried his fingers away from his face and lifted his head up to look at his face. I felt my body stiffening.

Blood-red eye was staring back at me. A knife had lightly grazed against surface of Naruto's eyelid, and blood was dripping out of the wound. But that wound had awakened Naruto's _sharingan_. Beneath the knife wound, Naruto's one _sharingan _stared back at my eyes. So if _sharingan_ was only half-inherited, then it would not awaken until it was exposed to danger? Kakashi-sensei did say something about getting the _sharingan _because of the scar on his eyelid...

"It's only a light scratch," Naruto said, smiling. "Don't make such a scary expression, Sasurin. I'm all right. ...Sasurin?"

I forced myself to smile. So that was the last evidence I needed. Naruto was most definitely my younger brother. That was good. That would make it easier for Naruto to leave me. After all, if Naruto found out that I was his older brother, then he would easily realize his feelings for me were simply affections for a sibling and go to Gaara.

"Let's get you cleaned up," I said.

* * * * *

I looked out the window, waiting for Naruto's return. I wondered to myself how I can phrase myself. How do I tell Naruto that I'm leaving him? I promised him that I'll always stay by his side... And I couldn't tell Naruto the truth. I sighed and glanced at the suitcase I had packed. But I knew I had to leave. If I set Naruto free, then Naruto would be able to find his true happiness. And really, no matter how hurt I would be, Naruto was all that mattered.

From the distance, I saw the messy mob of blond hair, and I felt my heart pounding with anxiety. I didn't want to leave Naruto. What would I do if Naruto cried? I couldn't just leave Naruto if he cried... But I saw someone else stepping in front of Naruto, and with sinking feelings I realized that it was Gaara. Gaara and Naruto were talking, then Naruto looked like he was yelling at Gaara. Gaara shook his head and said something, and Naruto stared at the ground. It was too obvious that the two had strong feelings for each other, but Naruto was rejecting Gaara. For me. 

I had had enough of lying.

I stood up and picked up my suitcase. I opened the door and stepped out of the apartment. The evening air was humid and warm. I couldn't breath well. I forced my legs to move towards Naruto. I forced my face to be expressionless. Naruto's face lit up when he noticed me, and he pushed Gaara away and ran up to me.

"Sasurin! You know..."

"I had enough of you. I'm leaving," I said. "Bye, Naruto."

Naruto turned pale. He desperately clutched at my coat sleeve. "Sasurin?! What is it? Is it because of Gaara? Sasurin, I--"

"Shut up and let go of me," I said. I slapped Naruto's hand away and started to walk away. 

"Sasurin, I'm sorry! Sasurin... Please don't leave; I'll do anything you want! I'll never ask you to adopt children! I'll never nag you about sex! Please, Sasurin, anything you want, please don't leave me!" Naruto begged. I knew he was crying, so I didn't turn around. If I did, I would never be able to leave him. I took in a deep breath, because I needed to lie again. This would be the last lie I ever say, and this would be the lie that would hurt me the most.

"Uzumaki Naruto. I hate you."

* * * * *

To Be Continued

Three more chapters to go! X.x This story is very loosely based on the story of Oedipus, so if you know that story, you could guess what the ending will be like. It most definitely wouldn't be sappy, romantic ending. Sorry! If you're looking for sappy, you're better off reading the _Yuugiou_ fan fiction I'm working on right now than this one... ^^;; 

Oh, the chapter title doesn't really have much to do... with the story... ^^;; I tried to fit the meaning behind the gemstones with the chapter theme, but it doesn't work out so well. The gemstones usually mean something nice, and my chapters are usually not nice... ^^;;


	5. Sapphire

Chapter 5 - Sapphire : Hope

* * * * *

I just couldn't figure it out.

I thought about it for a long time, but I still didn't have a clue as to why Sasuke was acting so weird lately. I've known the guy for more than half of his life, and Sasuke never acted so strangely around me, even when I had rejected him at his first confession. It would have been a lot easier if Sasuke just told me that he had lost interest in me or he found a girl or something like that. But it wasn't anything like that, because he was possessive as anything when he found marks that Gaara made on me. Why was Sasuke being so distant? Why wasn't he telling me anything? I'm not a kid that needs protection all the time! Why couldn't Sasuke understand that?

"Naruto."

I was pulled out of my thoughts at the familiar voice. "Hey, Gaara," I said. I tried to smile at him, but I felt like crying. Gaara's confession wasn't helping my situation at all. Right now I needed Gaara as my friend, not as a suitor of some sort. It didn't help that I was attracted to him. A little.

Gaara looked concerned. He tried to touch my face. "Are you hurt? Why do you have bandages wrapped around your left eye?"

I backed away from him. "Don't touch me," I said rather meanly. I saw Gaara flinching, and felt like a jerk. He was worried about me and there I was, acting like a total jackass. But I didn't want Sasuke to be any more upset than he already was. "You left kiss marks on my neck last time! Do you know how mad Sasuke was?"

"I'll think about it when I actually care," Gaara said, snorting. I gave him a glare. Gaara seemed to think about something, and then he suddenly looked like he wanted to kill someone. I mean, you could like see the killing aura bouncing off of him. I gulped and backed away from him-- because Gaara could be pretty psychotic when he wanted to kill someone-- but Gaara merely asked, "Did Uchiha hurt your eye?"

And that was when I totally lost it. "No, you idiot!" I exploded. The murderous look was completely wiped off Gaara's face, to be replaced by an expression of complete and utter surprise. His pupils grew almost twice their normal size, and Gaara blinked his huge green eyes at me confusedly. My anger briefly receded as that was my first time seeing such expression on Gaara, and damned if he was not the cutest thing I saw. And of course, that kind of thought made me pissed off all over again. "Sasuke would never, ever hurt me! He loves me! How dare you to even ask me of something like that, Gaara! I hurt my eye because I was being stupid, and if Sasuke didn't save me, I'd be missing an eye just about now!"

Gaara blinked again, and then shook his head and went back to his normal expressionless self again. "As long as you're fine. I apologize for accusing Uchiha unfairly."

Even if his expression did not tell me anything, Gaara's eyes looked like those of a wounded puppy, and I felt really crappy again. I lowered my head and mumbled, "Sorry for yelling at you like that. I'm just... kind of stressed out, and I took it out on you. Sasuke's acting freaky lately."

"Because of me?" Gaara asked, looking even more wounded. I shook my head.

"He was pissed off yesterday because of you, but even before that. And I have no idea what the problem might be. He won't tell me anything and he's being so distant."

"Perhaps--" 

Gaara cut himself off when the door to my apartment opened and Sasuke walked out. Sasuke must have seen Gaara from the window and came out to yell at him or something. Even though I didn't want two of them to fight, I was happy that Sasuke still cared about me enough to be jealous, so I moved away from Gaara and all but skipped towards Sasuke. "Sasurin! You know..."

Sasuke raised his head, and I stepped back. His face was just... empty. I mean, it wasn't even the neutral, distant expression Sasuke put on around other people. It looked like Sasuke's soul died or something, because his eyes looked so... I don't know. Sasuke seemed broken. "I had enough of you. I'm leaving." The words were so cold, yet there was no anger or malignancy or anything that I can understand on Sasuke's face. "Bye, Naruto."

"Sasurin?! What is it?" I asked. I felt like I was drowning, because I couldn't breath. I clutched Sasuke's shirt sleeve until the material started to rip off. "Is it because of Gaara? Sasurin, I--"

Sasuke slapped my hand away. He was starting to look angry. "Shut up and let go of me!"

That seemed like a very good time to freak out, so I did. I started to cry and beg. "Sasurin, I'm sorry! Sasurin... Please don't leave; I'll do anything you want! I'll never ask you to adopt children! I'll never nag you about sex! Please, Sasurin, I'll do anything you want, just don't leave me!" 

Sasuke wouldn't even look at me. He just readjusted his grip on the suitcase he was holding, his head lowered. There was a pause, which I used by crying and sniffing and putting mucus all over my sleeve. Then Sasuke looked up at me with this coldest expression on his face, and then he hissed, "Uzumaki Naruto. I hate you."

I sharply breathed in, because it felt like my heart would explode and I would die. Why? Why would he lie to me about something like this? Was he even lying? Of course he was lying! Sasuke loved me! But he looked at my face directly and said it, and his expression was sincere, and I felt tears pour out of my eyes at an alarming rate. 

My thought process pretty much stopped there, so I numbly watched as Gaara punched Sasuke's face and the two screamed at each other about something or other. And then Sasuke left, really left me, and I couldn't move to stop him. I just stood on the middle of the street and watched Sasuke leaving me. But he promised me. He said he'll always be there for me. What hurt me even more was that he wasn't lying when he first made that promise. He had been sincere at that time.

So why are you leaving me now, Sasuke...?

* * * * *

"And then... sniff... Sasurin just kind of stared at me, and then he went to... sleep on the sofa," I said, wiping my eyes. Gaara chewed on his lower lip, patting my head. His fingers running through my hair felt really comforting, and even though I shouldn't take advantage of Gaara's kindness, I couldn't help but leaning further into his arms. Gaara placed his finger under my chin and lifted my head up.

"What did Uchiha do right before he started to act strange?"

"Nothing! That's the problem!" I said. I furiously blinked my eyes when fresh tears welled up. "He woke up like he always did, took a shower, and then went to see Kakashi-sensei. And then when he came back, he treated me like I was diseased or something. I don't get it! Do you think he overheard you saying that you liked me?"

Gaara shook his head. "No, definitely not. And even if he did so, that does not justify his behavior. Uchiha would not act so unreasonably for such a trifling reason." He leaned down to kiss my tears away. "Don't cry, Naruto. It hurts when tears are in your eyes."

"Sorry," I said. Gaara's arm around my shoulder tightened. "I'm so weak; I can't do anything for Sasurin... He would do anything for me, yet all I can do when he's in pain is to cry because he won't tell anything to me to protect me. How could he like someone like me?"

"Probably the same reason I like you," Gaara softly said. "Because Naruto, you're... damn it, you're so warm. Do you remember the first time we fought together?"

"You fell in love with me because I bashed your head with mine?" I asked incredulously. Corner of Gaara's mouth twitched. He lowly chuckled.

"Well, not really. It was incredibly thrilling to feel such a pain for the first time, yes, but I didn't grow to like you because I have masochistic tendencies. You're always smiling, always cheerful. Your arms are wide open and one just want to jump into your arms, drown in your warmth and sink into the blithe known as Uzumaki Naruto. It's not physical attraction, even though you have a lovely face and body. It's..." Gaara grew silent, then his eyes warmed into incredibly sweet green, the same color as first green leaf of the spring. "Your soul. It's shimmering with warmth and light. When you smiled, gave me your hand and asked me, 'Want to be my friend, Gaara?' I felt something really hot flooding my veins. All my past pains just melted away when your light touched them. That's when I hopelessly fell in love with you."

My face was incredibly growing redder as Gaara rambled on and on. He couldn't possibly be talking about Uzumaki Naruto, because Naruto was weak and stupid and always made mistakes. "But I... I'm the darkness, the demon, the child that all parents told their kids to stay away from. You're not making any sense, Gaara."

Gaara's hand cupped my chin, his thumb lightly rubbing against my lips. "It's because there is shadow around you that your light shines even more brightly, Naruto. Because you fought against that shadow and illuminated past the darkness of your past. That overflowing light was what I fell in love with." He lowered his eyes. "...but my feelings for you seem to trouble you. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to see your true feelings before you hurt Uchiha and yourself, but I had no intention of making you suffer so."

Gaara's hand fell away from my face, and he sat back. He slowly lifted his eyes to look into mine. He hesitantly asked, "Do you hate a being like myself?"

"Dummy," I said. I sat closer to him and gently brushed my lips against his. "If I hated you, I won't let you do something like this to me..."

...okay. Shit. That wasn't good. Because my true feelings...

"I like you, too, Gaara."

Suddenly tears ran down my cheeks again, and I turned away from Gaara and started to wail. Because I finally realized what Sasuke and Gaara were talking about. Sasuke was my most precious friend, someone who had always been there for me since childhood. When he confessed to me and I refused him, Sasuke avoided me. The loneliness I felt at that time hurt so much that I thought I had been in love with Sasuke, but that wasn't true. I just... I just felt sorry for Sasuke and wanted to be with someone because I was lonely...

"Oh no, Sasuke, I'm so sorry," I choked out, sobbing. "I used him! I... He loved me so much, and I just led him on, and... He couldn't tell me to cut the fuck out because he loved me too much to tell me I didn't love him, and..."

Gaara held me tightly against his chest, making soothing noises, running his hands across my back. He cooed against my cheek, "Shh, you didn't know, it wasn't your fault... It wasn't anyone's fault; please don't cry... Naruto, please don't cry..."

"Gaara, what should I do?" I asked, raising my eyes to look at him wildly. "What should I do about poor Sasuke? What should I do about my feelings for you? I don't know what's the right path anymore!"

Because Sasuke always decided the right path for me. Sasuke did everything for me. But Gaara looked as forlorn as I felt, then he wiped my tears away with his thumb and kissed me. "I don't know, Naruto. I can't decide your life for you. If you're a grown-up, you must decide such important things for yourself. But know that I'll always be here for you if you ever fall."

And somehow Gaara's words made me feel better, because Gaara believed in me. He didn't shield me from the reality; he left me to be independent but offered me support if it was too much for me. He was so different from Sasuke... "Thank you," I said, finally managing a tear-filled smile for him. Gaara shyly smiled back at me, and he looked so vulnerable and childish-- like one word from me could be happiness or sadness to him-- that I pulled myself up to sit on his lap and kiss his lips.

The effect was almost immediate. Gaara pushed me down to the bed and sought out my hands, entwining his fingers with mine as we kissed. He deepened the kiss, wrapping his tongue around mine roughly, his heavy body trapping my body underneath his. His scent was intoxicating, and my skin felt burning hot wherever it was in contact with Gaara's skin. Gaara pulled away from me, and I blushed, turning my head away to stare at his and my hand entwined together. It was really strange to see skin tone darker than mine against my skin. Gaara's skin was a very light color of caramel, complete opposite from Sasuke's cream-colored skin. They were both very pretty in their own way. And my skin was... just skin color. Like, peach-ish...

I blushed even darker red and tried to hide my face among the sheets. What if I didn't please Gaara? That thought never occurred to me when Sasuke was touching me, but I was ashamed of my appearance in front of Gaara. Because I'm ugly...

"Don't hide," Gaara softly said. His fingers wrapped themselves around my chin, and his eyes met mine. "Please don't hide yourself from me..."

"Gaara," I murmured. Gaara's fingers slipped down to my neck, then he unzipped my jacket and lifted up my shirt to bunch around my upper chest. I squirmed against his touches, because it burned where he touched me, my heart pounded so fast, and he was so intense that he was scaring me... 

"Why are you trembling?" Gaara playfully asked, pressing his cheek against mine. "I'm going to make you feel good, you know."

"But, but... It's so fast, and I, I don't think-- That is, I... It's embarrassing!" I gasped as Gaara's palm rubbed against my stomach, traveling upwards until his fingers caressed my nipples, and I nearly bit off my tongue. "Please stop!"

"No, I won't," Gaara said, rubbing his hands more firmly against my body. His grin widened. "I'm going to be mean to you until you cry and beg for me."

"But Gaaaara~!" I whined. Gaara kissed my nose, then suddenly burst into laughter. It was a clear, boyish laughter, and I blinked up at him in confusion. Gaara covered his mouth, backing away from me.

"Sorry, sorry. Just, your expression just now... So cute..." Gaara's shoulders shook as he tried to retain his laughter, then he finally stopped laughing at me and brushed back my hair. "I was just teasing; I won't do anything tonight. You're too tired both emotionally and physically to do anything today."

Gaara's tone turned serious towards the end, and his eyes softened. I felt my own eyes softening at his concern. Gaara shyly asked, "May I sleep here tonight?"

I was surprised by this question. Sasuke just... slept. He never asked me permission for anything. He would cook for me, clean for me, sleep by my side. I never had to decide anything. I briefly considered saying 'no' to tease him, since he just teased me so meanly, but I couldn't bring myself to say such things. Gaara was so cute! And 'cute' was one adjective that could never describe Sasuke. Sasuke was beautiful, sexy, handsome, and all that other stuff, but definitely not 'cute.' But Gaara made me want to protect him.

I wordlessly held out my arms, and Gaara blushed and smiled, then snuggled against my arms. His forehead rested against my neck, my chin resting against his dark scarlet locks of hair. His hair was surprisingly soft. "Good night, Gaara."

"Have sweet dreams, Naruto!"

It should be illegal to be that cute at his age...

* * * * *

The morning air was slightly chilly, but the entity in my arms was warm and soft, and I nuzzled into it. Then my eyes snapped open, because I was not supposed to have anything in my arms. Sasuke never woke up later than me! Dark, blood-colored thing blocked my vision, and I rubbed sleep away from my eyes and backed away from the red thing. 

"...huh?"

It took me few seconds before I remembered why the hell Gaara was sleeping in my arms. Gaara was actually sleeping, his arms curled under his head, his lips slightly open. His messy red hair covered his closed eyes, but bits of darkened skin around his eyes showed in places. I nudged him. "Gaara? It's morning, wake up..."

"No!" Gaara complained, burrowing further into my arms. "Sunlight is bad!"

I snickered. Here was a guy in his early twenties, who was taller and way more muscular than me, and he was having a tantrum because he didn't want to wake up. I pushed his hair aside and kissed his forehead. "I like my morning sleep as much as the next guy, Gaara, but I need to piss. And your arms around my waist is kind of stopping me from going to the bathroom. At least let go of me?"

Gaara pulled away from me and squinted up at me, frowning. "Do you always wake up this early?"

"You call this early?" I skeptically asked, glancing at the clock by the bedside. "I overslept two hours, you know. I'm hungry."

"Well, you're on your own for that. Last time I tried to boil water, I nearly burned the kitchen down and the kitchen got covered in sand." Gaara yawned and let go of me. I pulled out from his arms and did my thing. When I returned, Gaara was sleeping again. I went to the kitchen and set the water to boil. Cup ramen it was, then. Just when I was about to pour the boiling water to the cups, I felt arms snaking around my waist, and nearly dropped the pot of boiling water on my feet.

"Gaara!" I reprimanded. "I don't _want_ third degree burns, you idiot! Don't sneak up on me!"

Gaara wetly kissed the nape of my neck. "Good morning... What are you making?"

"The only thing I know how to make," I said. Gaara glanced at the ramen over my shoulder, then tightened his arm around my waist. 

"Good enough; that's more than I can ever manage. Say, want to go visit that teacher of yours? Kakashi?"

"Huh? Why?" I asked, pouring water over the noodles. I closed the lid and placed chopstick over the lid to keep it steady. 

"He's the last person Uchiha met before he started to act strange, is he not? Perhaps he can tell us why Uchiha was acting so strangely lately. After all, he knew from the beginning that you didn't like him that way, so that can't be the reason that he was being so weird."

I stiffened at Sasuke's mention, guilt whelming up in my heart. But I nodded. I wanted to know why Sasuke was being so distant. And... and Sasuke wouldn't have said that he hated me to leave me. If he was leaving because of Gaara, he would have been honest about it... 

"Can you come with me, Gaara?" I asked in a small voice. 

"But of course, Naruto."

* * * * *

To Be Continued

You know... Somehow, the electricity got cut off three times during I was writing this chapter, so I had to start all over again... Which really pissed off a person after a while. My apartment manager must have something against me writing this chapter. Bastard.

That aside, this chapter wasn't supposed to be this fluffy, but it turned out that way. Because Gaara-kichi needs love! Lots of love! . And Sasuke was supposed to be a complete bastard who forgot Naruto's birthday and all kind of nasty things, but I couldn't bring myself to write that, either. Sasurin needs loving and pampering, too... ;_; And because of that, I feel like I wrote Naruto as the bad person who cheats on Sasuke. *sighs* Aa, I don't care anymore...

On a brighter note... I love the newest Naruto opening! Rapping Japanese guys are always fun, as is wannabe English. X3 The first few cuts where Sasuke kind of spins around and poses... So cute! And when Sasuke's doing the _chidori_ with Itachi and his lackey(?) in the background! His _sharingan_ looks so cute there! Kyaaaa, Sasurin, Oniichan would do anything for you~! Abandon your meanie big brother Itachi and become my little brother instead~! . 


	6. Onyx

Warnings: This chapter is the nastiest part of this fan fiction. If violence and foul language will scar you for life, I implore you to avoid reading this chapter. Please be aware of heavy angst and character deaths.

* * * * *

Chapter 6 - Onyx : Sincerity 

* * * * *

My hand shook so much that the liquid from the sake bottle spilled over and drenched my hand, but that did not matter much. What mattered at this point? My world was collapsing around me, its very foundation cracked to the core. My life was seriously fucked up. I found that funny. I laughed a little, but that hurt my throat so I stopped. Why were tears stinging my eyes? That's strange. I sucked on the cigarette, deeply inhaling whatever comfort the warm smoke could give me. 

The room was dark and cold. I didn't bother to open the curtains to my room. I think the last time I sat around in my darkened room for days without eating and sleeping was when that bastard killed my parents. Of course, at that time I didn't have sake and cigarettes, and at that time I spent most of my day cutting my wrist up. That was not fun. But this was worse, because the wound reopened from losing the person I loved the most hurt more than the first time the wound was inflicted.

"I think I had a mission today," I mumbled to myself. I chuckled. "Aw, fuck it... Don't care..." The cigarette was almost all burned out, so I crushed the tip on the floor and tossed it across the room, where the trashcan was supposed to be at. Without the light from the cigarette, the room was even darker, so I wasn't sure if it went in. Not that that mattered. Nothing mattered anymore. I took another swig of the sake and felt the liquid burn up in my throat. Good, solid alcohol. What was it, eighty proofs or so? That was always a good thing...

"It's so bleak," I said. With my inhibition down thanks to alcohol, I felt more free to cry. I let one tear drop slide down my cheek. "The future is so bleak. It's so cold and dark without Naruto. I want Naruto back. I want to hug him, kiss him, I want to... I want him to love me back..."

I was rambling like some kind of drunk. That was pathetic. In a fit of anger, I threw the bottle of sake at the wall. It smashed open, spraying the room with bits of glass and liquid. Some glass pieces glazed against my skin and blood oozed out. The alcohol seemed to finally take its effect, because I suddenly felt so tired that I couldn't move a limb. I collapsed to the floor and fell asleep. 

* * * * *

The metal door felt cold and slippery against my hand. I clenched my hands into fists and pounded at the door, then leaned against it when another wave of dizziness shook me. I felt nauseous and my hands felt clammy and cold. I shivered. Something hot was creeping up my neck and my head felt like it was splitting in half. I could only imagine how I looked. No doubt I would look like shit. 

The door suddenly opened, and I neatly fell into Kakashi's arms. I growled and shoved him off, stumbling back before raising my eyes to numbly stare at him.

"Sasuke, what the fuck?" Kakashi asked, calm as anything. I started to laugh. It had hysteric tinge to it, and it sounded more like I was crying than laughing. I felt blood pooling at back of my throat and started to cough, covering my mouth. When I took my hand away, I had blood upon the hand. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Please," I whispered. It hurt to talk, and my voice sounded awful. "Please put me out of this misery. Don't want to live anymore."

Kakashi tried to put his arm under my arms to support me, but I pushed him away. "Sasuke, come sit down." That was an order. Who was he to order me around? I stood my ground. Kakashi grabbed the collar of my shirt and dragged me to the sofa, where he pushed me to a sitting position. I rigidly sat on the edge, my fingers crossed together on top of my lap. "Tell me what happened."

"Kill me." I shuddered again. I felt like throwing up. "Please end this."

"My student is not as stupid as this," Kakashi coldly said. He kneeled down in front of me, trying to meet my eyes. "Naruto didn't take the half-brother idea too well, I presume? But if you'd talk to him--"

"It's all over." I clenched my eyes closed. "There is nothing left. There is no reason for me to exist in this world any more. Itachi's blood has been shed. Naruto left. My existence is now meaningless."

"Then find a reason to exist!" Kakashi shouted, leaping up from his seat. "Become the strongest man alive! Become a power-hungry tyrant like Orochimaru! Something, anything, find a reason for you to live! Because if you do not exist..."

Kakashi's voice subdued to a whisper. "...my reason for existence also disappears... I did my best to train you into a worthy shinobi to atone for my sins. I loved Itachi, yet I couldn't save him from his darkness. A boy who was like my little brother caused massacre of his own clan out of blind rage and died by his little brother's hands. All those who are precious to me have died; I failed to protect anyone. If I fail to protect even you..."

"Please allow me to be selfish," I begged. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. Death was like a long, long sleep that you never wake up from, right? As long as I no longer felt, no longer got hurt... "I want to die."

"There will be people who will be sad if you die." Kakashi's hands were clenched into fists at either side of him, and they were shaking slightly. I didn't have the courage to look up into his face. "Living is always better than dying. If you die, nothing will ever change. Perhaps you will find a new love. Perhaps you will find another meaning to existence. There is no living being who do not exist for a reason."

"The people who claim to like me only do so because I'm a pretty dress-up doll that kills people well," I said, bitterly chuckling. Blood was dribbling down the side of my mouth as I kept talking, but I ignored it. "Naruto's heart belongs to another, yet my heart belongs to him. I gave every cell of my being to him; I'm soulless without him. I do not have the courage to continue living with this pain. It hurts too much."

I groaned and buried my face into my hands. "Second time! The first time was enough for me to make me wish for wish a thousand times over, but to feel such pain once again! God is too cruel..."

"You say this, knowing Naruto is your brother," Kakashi quietly commented. "It does not bother you at all? Incest does not make you uncomfortable?"

"Of course I'm fucking not thrilled with that!" I screamed, leaping up from my seat. I paused to cough up more blood, then resumed yelling. "I wish I had never met Naruto! But as long as my feelings for him is sincere, what does it matter whether it's homosexual relationship or incest?! It is his soul I love, not his physical body! What's sinful about loving someone with all of my heart?! I... I..."

I felt tears running down my face. "I like him so much... If it hurt this much, it would have been better for me to never have known what love was like... But even if I am rejected by the society, even if God himself never forgives me for these feelings, I can't give them up. I want to be with him..."

And this was the first time I have been so honest in my life. I was always taught to mask my emotions, to hide my feelings and lie, but it made me feel so _clean_ to tell the truth. I suddenly felt exhausted, so I fell back on the sofa and tilted my head back. The tears left in my cheek felt cool against the hotness of my own skin. I was so drained. "What's the meaning of 'family'?" I quietly asked. "I shared half of my genes with Naruto, yet we lived such a different life. We didn't know that we were brothers. We lived a lie, but we lived that lie truthfully, obeying our emotions. Just because we share few DNA codes, my feelings for Naruto is called 'dirty'? That's not fair... I wouldn't have cared if Naruto loved me back... If only... But he didn't; he never loved me that way..."

"You are really sincere about this," Kakashi finally said. "Well, fine. Then I will impose my authority on you one last time. Sasuke, you may not die until I am dead."

I cracked open one eye and stared at Kakashi like the man had gone mad. "...you're fucking insane. You want me to kill you?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yes. Unless you kill me, you may not die yourself. I shall not let you die. If you die, I can not live, either. I will set a curse on myself, so that the instant my life ends, I will explode and kill you as well. It will be quick and painless for both of us."

I chuckled. Yes, Kakashi was completely crazy. But that was just fine. I liked him. He was a good teacher. Hell, he was a good man in general. A great man. He was the only man who would be able to kill me, because I was unworthy to even commit suicide. And if he wanted to die, too, I was willing to do that for him. So I nodded. "Deal."

Kakashi started to make hand movements to put the self-destruction spell upon his body. I stepped back and flexed my limbs to test out my flexibility. I was wasted, but if I tried hard enough, I might be able to kill Kakashi. I had my young age as my advantage, along with my pure-blooded _sharingan_. Kakashi's, being only half, was impure and did not work as well. I pulled out my weapon, threw a _shuriken_ at Kakashi, and dove straight in to attack him. My _shuriken_ lightly scratched against Kakashi's arm, and Kakashi raised his _kunai_ high above his head. I kneeled down to attack him, but froze midway.

Kakashi had brought the kunai straight down to his own neck.

"...what?" I numbly asked, my _sharingan _flashing uncertainly. What the hell just happened?

"If I knew you would suffer so much, I wouldn't have told you about Naruto and you," Kakashi softly said, smiling. He reached out and enfolded me into his arms. "Sasuke, my pupil, my cousin, my little brother. I'm so sorry your life was so miserable..."

There was a pause, and then blood exploded from the side of Kakashi's neck, gushing out in huge sprouts from his jugular vein. I tightly held on to Kakashi, my eyes wide-open like those of a child, utterly confused by this situation. And then I understood. Kakashi didn't want his blood staining my hands, too. He was giving up his life just to grant my selfish wish; to grant me death...

Kakashi's body grew cooler as the blood continued to spurt out in warm, thick bursts, completely covering me. Kakashi's kind eyes rolled back in his head, and his hands fell to his sides as his body became limp. And then I knew he had died. 

Kakashi started to glow, the curse he had set on himself activated by Kakashi's soul leaving his body. I held Kakashi's corpse against my chest, watching in fascination as Kakashi grew brighter and brighter. And then sudden fear of death grasped at my heart as death approached me. As death stepped closer and closer to me, I was suddenly terrified. Right before Kakashi exploded, I cried out as I pushed Kakashi away from me.

Fucking _idiot_. Kakashi exploded, filling the room with brilliant light, and I cowered in the corner like a coward that I am. When the smoke and light cleared and I was able to open my eyes again, blood was splattered everywhere, along with bits and pieces of human parts. I slowly fell down to my knees. I lost it. I lost my chance to die. Kakashi gave up his life for my death, and I blew it.

"Kakashi-sensei...? Your door's open..."

I slowly raised my head, praying that I was not imagining things. And I wasn't. I was so happy. My heart swelled up as I slowly stood up. I smiled.

"Naruto..."

"Sasurin?" Naruto softly asked. His blue eye, yet not awakened as a _sharingan_ yet, worriedly looked at me. "Are you all right? Why are you covered in blood...?"

Naruto's eyes slowly traveled across the room before resting on Kakashi's head. Naruto numbly stared at our teacher's body parts, then at his head rolling on the floor before understanding dawned on his face. He covered his mouth with his hands, and then he lifted his eyes to stare at me. He face was turning pale. "Sa... You..."

"Naruto," I happily said. "Naruto..."

"You... fucking... killed him," Naruto whispered. "You killed Kakashi-sensei..."

I nodded. It was my fault. Kakashi had died for me. 

"You fucking son of a bitch," Naruto choked out. "You psychotic piece of shit. How could... He and Iruka-sensei were like fathers to us... They..."

"He wasn't in pain," I softly said, smiling. "It was really quick and--"

"Uu..." Naruto whimpered. He kneeled over and started to throw up. I rubbed my hand across his back. Naruto's chakra level was steadily rising, and red chakra started to pour out of his body, surrounding his body like nine tails made out of flames. Naruto raised his eyes to look at me with expression of utmost hatred and disgust, his eyes bright red, his canines hanging past his lips, his nails extended to resemble claws. The whisker-like scars upon his cheeks had deepened. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before straightening up and slapping my hand away.

"You _monster_," Naruto spat. "I can't believe I actually liked you. You're just like your brother. You're a homicidal maniac."

I flinched at being called the same as the person I hated the most in the world, but remained silent. Naruto stared at me, then desperately cried, "Well?! Explain yourself! Say something! Tell me why you did this!"

I didn't say anything. I had so much to tell him, yet I had nothing to tell him. I turned my head away. Naruto still wanted to believe in me. He wanted me to justify myself, to at least give him a reason to accept the fact that his best friend had just killed his father figure. Naruto, you poor, poor thing. You poor lost little lamb... "Felt like it."

"UCHIHAAA!!!" Naruto roared. He pulled out his kunai and plunged it into my chest, blind with fury and betrayal and hurt and disgust and sadness and disbelief and confusion, and the knife slid right into my flesh, breaking cleanly through my ribcages and puncturing my lung. Death. Naruto was going to kill me. _Naruto_ was the one who was going to kill me. I was so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. I broke into a smile.

"No," I whispered. I lovingly layered my hands over his hand, guiding his trembling hand. "Higher up, Naruto. You need to puncture my heart to kill me for certain."

"Why?!" Naruto screamed. "Why?! Tell me! Why the hell did you kill Kakashi?! Why did you leave me?! Why did you always, always lie to me?!!! Sasuke, I fucking _love_ you!!!"

I put more pressure into Naruto's hand as I guided it further up and felt the kunai tearing through the tough muscles of my heart. I lowered my head and kissed Naruto's lips. He still tasted like milk, a complete baby. I wanted to protect him, teach him all about love-making, lead him to the adulthood by taking away his innocence... "I love you so much, Naruto." I freed one of my hands to pull away the bandage wrapped around Naruto's _sharingan_, gazing into my beloved one's _sharingan _with my own. I wrapped my hand around Naruto's cheek, staining Naruto's skin with blood. And with the last strength I could summon, I poured all of my memories of my life into Naruto's _sharingan_, showing him endless flashes of my life and thoughts to him, exposing my soul to him in the truest form possible. 

"Forgive your older brother Sasuke, my... precious little... brother," I managed, my grin twisting as pain overwhelmed my senses. As blood covered my vision, I stubbornly kept my eyes open, wanting to engrave every detail of my Naruto before my life ended. The way his pretty blue-eye was filled with tear, the way his blood-colored _sharingan_ glistened, the way his lips were half-open, the way...

Blood covered him so beautifully...

And...

I'm scared, everything's growing dark...

But Naruto's warmth was there, and he was the one who took my life, and I told him the truth, and he was crying for me because warm liquid dripped on my face, and... Happy...

Naruto...

* * * * *

To Be Continued


	7. Diamond

Warning: Graphic scene depicted.

* * *

Chapter 7 - Diamond : Clarity, innocence, virtue, faith, success, end of evil thoughts

* * *

Sasuke had died with his eyes open.

I'm not sure why that bothered me so much. I cradled Sasuke's corpse in my arms, brushing his deep indigo hair out of his eyes. His eyes were wide open and were staring at me. Both of his eyes were bright red, the pretty _sharingan_, and there was a small smile on his lips. Even as a corpse, Sasuke really was pretty. I pressed my hand against Sasuke's eyes to ease them closed, and kissed both of the eyelids. Then I worked on wiping off the blood on Sasuke's face, because blood was bad. Why was Sasuke so soaked in blood? And blood was still trickling out from the wound on his chest.

I ripped off my shirtsleeve and bandaged up the puncture in Sasuke's chest. Maybe Sasuke was so pale because he lost so much blood. I had to stop the blood from coming out. Even though Sasuke was my older brother, it was so weird how we were so different. The only thing that we had in common, as far as I could see, was that we had the _sharingan_. Mine was only half, though. I lifted Sasuke's hand against my lips and kissed each digit. His skin felt cold. Why was he so cold? Sasuke always felt warm. Sasuke, if you're cold like this, it won't feel good when you kiss me... Why are you sleeping for so long? Aren't you going to open your eyes?

"Naruto?"

I looked up. I was confused. What was Gaara doing here? He's not supposed to come back yet... I frowned and clutched Sasuke's corpse closer to my chest. "Don't take him away."

Gaara kneeled down and put his arms around me. He kissed my cheek, even though my cheek must be covered with blood. "Naruto, you're strong enough to face the reality. Please don't hide. I'm here for you, remember?"

I nodded. Shards of memories emerged back to the surface. I remembered I had asked Gaara to wait outside while I talked to Kakashi. I thought it wouldn't take a long time. I wasn't sure how long I made him wait, but it must have been a long time for him to come find me like this. What happened? I touched my eye with my bloody hand. "Gaara... I have a _sharingan_..."

"Because you killed Uchiha?" Gaara softly asked, patting my hair. "Why did you kill him, Naruto? You don't like death, remember?"

"I know..." I shuddered and pulled Sasuke closer. Sasuke was so cold and stiff. I had to warm him up with my body. And why the fuck won't he _wake up_, damn it?! "Sasuke... and I... We have the same father. We're half brothers... And Kakashi-sensei is our cousin, and... Kakashi killed himself, and I killed Sasuke because... I thought… But… Oh, gods, Sasuke died."

At the edge of insanity, I heard Gaara's voice. His voice was clear and strong, penetrating through the confusion and hurt and darkness. "But that's the past. You cannot change the past. The important thing is how you live from now on, right?"

And then I was finally able to break down and cry. I placed my cheek against Gaara's chest, sobbing, and it was strange how incredibly warm he was, while Sasuke felt so cold. Gaara's heart beat strongly, while Sasuke's heart had stopped beating. And it was all my fault, but Gaara was right. I couldn't escape with death; that would be too easy. I had to live for Sasuke and Kakashi. I had to live.

"The sharingan is cursed, isn't it?" I quietly asked, running my hand through Sasuke's hair. I continued to sob quietly. It was amazing how tears washed all the blood off of Sasuke's face. I was glad for the tears. Sasuke looked dead enough without all that blood on his face. I didn't want Sasuke to look dead. I didn't want Sasuke to be dead. Why was I alive? "It's all these eyes' fault... I'm the last Uchiha now..."

"It's not the eyes' fault. It's the people's fault," Gaara murmured against the top of my head. " 'Wrong' is just societal definition of anything that does not fit into their expectations..."

I lifted up my eyes to look at Gaara's eyes. They were such a pretty shade of green, almost transparent with their clarity. Even though Gaara looked older than the Gaara I knew at childhood, he still had the childish quality about his features. Gaara would always remain in my mind this way. I reached out with trembling fingers to touch Gaara's cheeks, then left a gentle kiss against his lips.

"Sorry..."

It was amazing how Gaara seemed to be able to read my mind, even if I don't convey my thoughts in words. "If you feel that you must do so, then I will not stop you," Gaara replied. His smile was sad. He returned my kiss to reassure me. I smiled back at him, my eyes still full of tears.

"These eyes that can not see the truth-- I don't need them."

I picked up the kunai that had taken Sasuke's life away and quickly plunged it into my eye before doing the same to the other. Something popped underneath the thin eyelids. Warm liquid rapidly traveled down my face, and I knew I would never see again. But I would never be deceived by surface appearance again. I blindly reached out for Gaara, and felt strong grip of Gaara's hand clutching my hand. Gaara kissed the back of my hand softly.

"It's all over now, right?"

"Yeah..." I carefully lowered Sasuke's corpse to the ground and stood up with Gaara. I felt him wiping the blood and fluid away from my face with something soft. I think it was his shirt. "It's all over now... The curse of the Uchiha blood ends with me."

* * *

"Naruto."

Calloused fingertips danced across my cheeks before a finger dug into my cheek. The finger started to poke me. It was irritating. I swatted the hand away and tried to bury myself deeper into the blankets, but the blankets were pushed aside.

"Come on, Naruto. Aren't you going to make me anything?"

"You can make your own damned food, Gaara… Now leave me alone," I grumbled. I tried to get my blanket back, but my hands closed around the silken fabric of Gaara's sleeping clothes instead. I tugged at the cloth, and I felt a weight settle on the bed. Gaara was lying next to me. His arms slung around my shoulders. "Get off."

"If you're not going to wake up, I'm sleeping with you. It's no fun without you," Gaara said, his forehead resting against the side of my neck. I could almost hear the pouting in his voice. I sighed and patted along his back until I reached his hair. I messed up his hair.

"You're such a baby." But I wrapped my arms around him anyway. We didn't talk for a while. We just listened to each other's heartbeats, feeling steady rise and fall of our chest as we breathed, the sound of our breath. Alive. We were both so alive…

Gaara, who was probably watching my face, quietly asked, "What's wrong? You have a really weird expression on your face."

I turned my sightless eyes towards the direction of his voice. It was more of scarred eyelids than eyes, but… "What are you going to do from now on, Gaara? You can't just stay here with me for the rest of your life."

"Why not?" Gaara asked. He was serious. I didn't like that serious tone. I didn't want Gaara to stay with me here. We were at the outskirts of the town, in a small cottage by a stream. No one came here. Gaara worked and brought food and other necessities for both of us. It had been exactly a hundred days now that we lived together. They were the happiest hundred days I have lived through thus far. Gaara loved me, and I loved him return. And in that feeling of returned love, I wanted to drown in Gaara's kindness, to never remember and think and feel guilty again, but I wasn't a child anymore.

"Gaara… You can't just live like a hermit for the rest of your life. You need other people, the society—"

Gaara's hold on me tightened. "I do not need the society. I only need you."

"What about your family? You have siblings," I argued. I didn't want Gaara to leave me. I knew Gaara's family would not approve of me, that we'll be separated if Gaara chose to return to his family. But I didn't want to take away from Gaara what I had been craving for all my life—a family to return to.

Gaara actually laughed. "Family? Siblings? Bullshit. They just view me as a tool, Naruto. A potential danger, a machine to exploit. Or rather, an uncontrollable wild beast. Just because you share blood with someone does not mean that you become his family. You are my only family, Naruto."

I bit into my bottom lip. I felt Gaara loosening his grip on me. He pressed his cheek against mine, one of his hands pressing against my neck to bring me closer towards him. "What is the meaning of family, Gaara? I'm so confused… Sasuke was hurt so much because we were 'brothers', and it's wrong for 'siblings' to fall in love. But it's also wrong for people of same gender to fall in love. Hell, it's wrong for a human being to fall in love with me in the first place because I'm a 'demon', a whole different species from 'human beings'." I felt frustrated. I wanted to cry. "I wanted to be loved, Gaara… I was so happy when Sasuke loved me. But it was also wrong of me to accept his love when I didn't love him back. His feelings for me were wrong because that would be incest. But why? We didn't even know each other that well for most of our lives!"

Gaara patted my back soothingly. It was a while before he spoke again. "Humans enjoy classifying others, Naruto. It makes them feel superior to label others as inferior. If others are wrong, they must be in the right. That way, they can deny their own faults and shield themselves away from the truth. Which is an utter _shit_, because no human is perfect. We're humans because we're not perfect." He lightly sighed. "Family, same gender, it really doesn't matter. Incest is not encouraged because children born out of incest tend to have many genetic disorders, and same gender relationship is not encouraged because no children are produced in such a mating and we are, according to Darwinian theory, evolutionarily unfit. We will not pass our genes to our offspring. We die out."

I clutched harder at Gaara's shirt. That was what sucked most about being in love with another guy. We won't ever have babies. No matter how much I loved Gaara, no matter how many times we make love, a baby will never result from our love…

"But we don't exist solely to reproduce, Naruto. We're not concerned about inseminating as many healthy, fertile females as possible and fathering as many children as our life would permit. Neither are we interested in perverted hobbies of having sex only for physical pleasure of it, the thrill of conquering another human being, to get over our insecurities. We don't rape. We don't molest. We love. I'm sure Uchiha felt the same way I did. Incest, homosexuality, it doesn't matter if one truly loves another, because the feeling of love cannot be controlled. What is wrong is to force your love upon another person or demand another person to satisfy your physical lusts."

Gaara's voice was warm and affectionate. Gaara was always so sweet, so kind, so very gentle. "I love you, Naruto. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So you're my family. My spouse. Mate. It doesn't matter what others say."

"Gaara…"

I still didn't understand everything, why humans must hate and segregate and patronize, but what Gaara said comforted me a lot. For the first time since Sasuke's death, I felt a small smile on my lips. I felt for Gaara's hand and brought it to my lips. I sank my teeth into what must be his index finger. Gaara didn't utter a sound as I drew blood from his skin. I took my free hand to my mouth and did the same. I pressed my bleeding finger against Gaara's finger, allowing our blood to intermingle.

"Naruto?" Gaara finally asked. I turned my face towards the direction of his voice, smiling a little wider.

"Blood upon one's hands can simply be washed off, you know." I felt the bed shaking a little, and knew Gaara was nodding. "The blood-colored eyes, the _sharingan_, can simply be gouged out. Such blood can easily be forgotten. But what of blood within one's veins? What do I do about the Uchiha blood flowing in my body?"

Gaara remained silent. I started to laugh. I finally felt free. The key to the puzzle had been found, and the lock fell away from my shoulders. I felt tears running down my cheeks, but I was happy. My precious best friend Sasuke, my most beloved Gaara. One my half-brother, the other the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Family? That was just the societal definition. What was important was my own life, my own decisions. If I could only live on with my chest wide open in pride, if I can only continue to live on smiling, if only I can continue to live strongly, trivial thing as my bloodline didn't even matter. Being a demon didn't matter. Being alive was all that was important.

"I just accept it, of course! I can't change the past, and I can't deny it and live in ignorance, either! I have to be strong, face my true self, and live as I am. Because it is not my past that is important, but it is my present that is most important!"

I yelped when Gaara suddenly stood up, his arms around me to bring me up as well. Gaara kissed me deeply, his lips overlapping mine fiercely, his arms tightly wrapped around my body. He pulled away and lifted me up into the air, swinging me around like a child.

"Let's go on a journey, Naruto! Where no one was before, where no one will recognize us! We'll cross the mountains, the oceans, anywhere and everywhere! We have each other, right? As long as we're not alone, we can continue to make our future with our own two hands!"

I burst into laughter. I clung to Gaara, burying my tear-wet face into his neck, crying and laughing. Yes, the future hasn't been decided. No matter how much blood tainted our past, no matter what kind of blood flowed through us right now, we still could create the future.

"Sure!"

Finis

* * *

[bows] Thank you very much for staying with me until the end of this story. This story was very controversial and dark. It got kind of philosophical towards the end, didn't it? I had the idea to do something like this for a while, but I didn't have the ending planned out except that Naruto would somehow lose his eyes after failing to see the truth because he refused to see the painful reality.

The ending actually surprised me. [laughs] My stories kind of write themselves at certain points, despite all my outlines and notes and plans. But I guess that's a good thing. That means the story has a life of its own after absorbing a piece of my soul, right? A story that has no emotion from the author will, I think, fail to reach the reader. How could you hope to communicate with the readers if you hide yourself from them? I get hurt when my stories get rejected because part of myself gets rejected, but writing and reading is, essentially, conversation between two people. I think it's amazing how many different people I can meet just by something I have written.

I'm so happy that this story is finished. Ahaha. I loved writing it, but it was personally really painful for me to write. When I killed my favorite character—Sasurin—I felt so emotionally drained that I couldn't do anything for a while after writing that chapter. I'm such an idiot. .o

It was a pleasure meeting you! I was happy that we crossed our paths together! And Shirohane readers who indiscriminately read anything written by him can continue to follow Shiro to the next fan fiction, 'Ookami to Kitsune no Monogatari'. [laughs] See you!


End file.
